Boss: Stop putting fake teeth marks in the urinal cakes. You’re freaking out the customers.
Me: Fake?
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how do they know an animal is extinct like??? u looked everywhere????
I want those snacks that have 2 eyes and a scary mouth
-my 3 yo, describing pretzels
I’ll take a Friday the 13th over a Monday the 13th every single time.
Friend: so drinks later?
Me: oh shit I can’t I’ve got work.
Friend: after 5?
Me: YES, KAREN. I HAVE A LOT ON MY PLATE AND A LOT OF PEOPLE DEPENDING ON ME.
Friend: uh..k?
-LATER-
Me: [playing animal crossing] here’s that apple I promised you, Rex. I told you I’d come through
good friend is late 20s. in shape, has £10,000 a year, lives in a fine house with some of the finest woods in the country. but he’s consistently ghosted, ignored, or told “you’re the last man in the world i could be prevailed upon to marry.” modern women are broken.
My 6yr old has ruined my life by learning how to spell. I can’t talk about anything with her around anymore. I knew this whole school thing was a bad idea.
I’m rearranging the neighbors’ Halloween decorations a little each night until they’re circling their front doors. Scaring is caring.
6-year-old: I’m laughing cause your laugh makes me laugh. Your joke’s not funny though.
That stung.
Honey, I made the news! Apparently that old lady I fought at the library wasn’t a ghost
*walks up to fountain*
*throws in a shiny penny*
*crosses fingers*
*makes wish*
*looks over at mother-in-law*
*does throat slash motion*
I don’t have a date for Valentine’s Day so I’ll probably end up going out with the wife
“When I call your name say ‘omnipresent.'” – teacher to class full of Gods
(sees a hot guy at the bar)
me: hey dude. why don’t you take off that big coat? you’re sweating everywhere
Whenever I see a white van in the Taco Bell drive-thru, I instantly get jealous of the kidnapees in the back.
“Your optimism for the future makes me think you’re not paying attention.”
My mum: It’s a baby shower. Just write “congratulations”.
Her: Oh, a handsome man like you must be used to compliments.
Me: Yes, but do go on…
There’s something I want to tell you
*goes down on one knee*
*girl puts her hands on her chest*
I can tie my shoelaces without looking.
I shall have another coffee for I am sleeping standing
I’ll believe corporations are people when conservatives ban them from marrying each other.
“You busy tonight?”
Me: That 100% depends on what you’re about to say next.
[at a Doja Cat concert]
me [loudly]: PSPSPSPSPS
“No man is an island.”
– someone with a basic grasp of land forms and human biology
Bylaws shmylaws I’m digging a moat.
me: going to see phil this afternoon
wife: isn’t phil in that cult?
me: yeah so
wife: just be careful
me: have a little faith me in ok
*comes home dressed in all purple*
Friend: I can’t believe we ever used landlines. Could you imagine your phone always being connected to the wall?
Me, phone always at 4% battery: haha no way
I’ve just text my new girlfriend that I’m into all sorts of douchebaggery.
Autocorrect clearly has a different idea on what debauchery is.
Sometimes I drown cookies in milk in front of their family until they tell me the whereabouts of the Keebler Elves.
What? You want to show me pictures of fireworks? That you took all by yourself? Hold on.
*drops acid*
Ok, go.
Me: Look pal, I’m not some princess that needs to be rescued, ok?
Bagger: Ma’am, we help everyone with their groceries.
Me: Fine! One date.
You can drink screwdrivers and get hammered while watching Saw and hoping you get nailed. The English language is fun