I’m a spitting image of Ryan Gosling. Like if Ryan Gosling were to spit and look at his reflection in it, that would be me.
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Hubs: * Hands me a broom* Make yourself useful
Me: Flies away
I’m sorry I couldn’t get to my blinker in time I’m almost done with this salad
I try to often think “human meat is gristly” in case hungry aliens are reading my thoughts
TV Anchor: I don’t have my Halloween costume yet but it’s going to be cool and wet!
Me: Wow you go girl!
TVA: turning to weather…
M: Oh…
Saw a bumper sticker that said ‘Jesus is the answer.’ Two cars later I saw one that said ‘Who farted?’ Best game of Highway Jeopardy ever.
This whiskey tastes like my neighbours will be listening to Metallica.
me: *opens one eye* I’m still awake
spider: *removes leg from my mouth and backs away* sorry
Used shampoo instead of shower gel and now my body has up to 70% more body.
[first day as librarian]
guy: i’m looking for a book—
me: —YOU SIR ARE IN LUCK
Me: No guts, no glory.
Skeleton: Wow, I’m like right here.
i’m a 44 y/o man that can’t pretend anymore wtf is a timothee chalamet
My kid: “I want the new iPad like my friends, everyone has them”
Me: “And I want to vacation in Hawaii..disappointing day all around huh?”
Can. I. Help. You.
MUGGER: *pulls out a knife*
ME: *pulls out a jar of marmalade and two biscuits*
MUGGER: Lovely.
My kid sold your honor student a quarter ounce of oregano.
[gets down on 1 knee]
Babe will you–
“Yeah… Here it is”
[she lends me her phone charger]
Thanks
Got into a bar fight last night about how to pronounce Steve Buscemi’s name. We later shook hands when Buscemi agreed that I was right
My friend’s girl broke up with him because she didn’t like his pet lizard.
I knew she didn’t like him from the gecko.
*wakes up to wife and son screaming*
me: What are you guys yelling about?
them: YOU’RE DRIVING
What’s the dumbest thing you ever got in trouble for at work? Let me start: I just got a “verbal warning” for the words, “let’s see how that works out.”
My heart goes out to all the parents who are about to see how much weight their kids have gained at college during the Thanksgiving break.
I went to the bathroom and forgot my phone. Had to read the little paper about Toxic Shock Syndrome from the tampon box again
I buried our dead snowman in the neighbor’s backyard
If I’m still single on Valentine’s day I’m going join a dating agency for sure!
Husband: ….
kinda sucks that there’s only one day a year it’s acceptable to put on a diaper and shoot arrows at people
Is it “shitshow” or “shit show”? I just want
I would never bite my own toenails. That’s so disgusting. I only bite other people’s toenails.
BREAKING NEWS:
Sting has been kidnapped.The Police have no lead.
Getting away from it all is great until you realize there’s no pizza delivery.