My aunt’s ex-boyfriend’s mailman’s brother said it on Facebook so I don’t think any further research is necessary.
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Learning how to break wooden boards in karate is important in case you ever get in a fight with a house.
{Antiques Roadshow}
APPRAISER: This is from IKEA.ME: Yes.
APPRAISER:
ME: I still have the extra screws. If that matters.
Just peed so much that a little laugh came out.
Fight Club but it’s just 19 and 16 duking it out over who takes “their” car—the one neither of them paid for
M: Bless me Father for I have sinned.
P: You’re not even Catholic.
M: You don’t want to hear what I did?
P: Oh, I do. I’ve read your tweets.
First day of school
Kid 1: I want my mumma *waaah waaah*Kid 2: I wanaa go home *waaaah waaah*
My kid: Teacher do you poop?
ME: *reading my tweets aloud*
HER: *spits coffee out*
ME: Aww was it that funny?
HER: No, I just hate coffee.
ME: It’s quite interesting really. You see, “gym” comes from the greek “gymnós” meaning “naked”
YMCA ATTENDANT: Yeah, you’re going to need to put on some pants
friend: you watch anything good lately?
me: yeah a documentary about this serial killer that lured children into his house and killed them in elaborate ways
friend: who
me: William Wonka
Surgeon: I need someone to unroll this bandage, stat!
Cat nurse, excitedly: I’ve got this.
Breaking News: Man shaped like a garbage bag full of potato salad upset with outcome of sporting event.
Buying a smart car seems like a good idea until you hit a squirrel and flip over a few times.
7:00AM – I am NOT going to lose my shit & yell at the kids today.
7:15AM – Dammit.
If you held a gun to my head and forced me to choose Tobey Maguire’s Spider-Man or Andrew Garfield’s, I’d probably shit my pants.
I just swallowed my record player’s needle and nothing’s happened to me, nothing’s happened to me, nothing’s happened to me, nothing’s happe
Gummy vitamins for dads called Dadgummit.
[commercial for string cheese] do you like cheese?
me: YES
“do you like string?”
me: yes?
I’m done travelling by scooter, I moped.
I accidentally got my blow up doll pregnant.
Related: I’ve got some balloons for sale.
Therapist: You pretentiously slip French words into conversations because of your deep-seated insecurity.
Me: Touché.
When you have 7 guests and a set of 6 mugs how do you decide which one to kill to maintain uniformity?
My 5yo is writhing on the ground with her legs in the air screaming into a blanket while we wait for our food delivery.
It’s like looking in a mirror.
My sense of humor can best be described as “Are you okay? Did someone hit you in the head?”
wile e. coyote running off a cliff and not falling until he looks down except it’s me stopping for a second mid-sentence to think about what i’m saying
My wife is visiting her mother this weekend, so the cat and I are smoking cigars and playing poker.
My boss told me I look tired, so now I call her mom.
My husband just made me watch a documentary about pizza while I can’t get pizza delivered and this is why the divorce rate is going to be so high after this shit
It’s ok, stock market. I’m steadily declining every day too.
The bananas in my fruit bowl were overripe
Fruit flies everywhere!
I tried to kill them
But I just ended up giving them a round of applause
My childhood led me to believe that as an adult I’d have to contend with truth serum, lava, quicksand, trap doors, and secret passageways. So far it’s mostly been weight gain and existential dread.