Darth Vader wanted to kill Solo but didn’t have the necessary Han die coordination.
#StarWarsDay
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*nose hairs growing out of control
*buys tiny scissors
*jam them in the eyes of whoever I catch staring at my nose hairs
mcdonalds: may I take your order
cronus: I’ll have the kids meal
Shy girl has a crush on shy boy.Shy boy has a crush on shy girl.Neither of them say anything.They both do a lot of homework.#VeryRealisticYA
[date]
Him: So where are you from?
Me: According to my parents, I was born in a barn.
Crush: what are u doing
Me: laying in bed listening to music
Crush: nice what kind
Me: it’s memory foam
Crush: no like who’s your favorite artist
Me: Picasso
I use the incognito browser to search how to do the things I told my wife I know how to do
The credit card machine at the liquor store wasn’t working so I whispered to it, “Please…. my mother is at my house,” and it felt bad for me and worked!!!!!!!!!!!!!
These are my emotional support Pringles.
Wife: can you please rinse your hair off the soap?
Me: that’s not my hair.
Wife: then who’s hair is it?
Me: omg it’s a full moon.
Wife: so?
Me: *whispers* weresoap.
So after 75 long days, this week is finally over
Encourage your children to be unfriendly so you can keep your weekends free of other kids’ parties.
Jingle Bell Rock implies the existence of Jingle Bell Paper and Jingle Bell Scissors.
My son only asks my opinion so he can do the opposite, apparently.
Three things you should not watch being made are sausages, laws, and your little brother.
Got fired from my job as a museum guide for telling everyone the statues are all Medusa’s ex-boyfriends.
How do I form meaningful friendships as an adult without enrolling in grad school or joining a cult?
Extra car key
Extra house key
Extra storage unit key
Key to an extra apartment with a liquor cabinet– Keys to a successful relationship
[a guy walking his dog grabs my purse and they run off]
Me: Hey, that’s not nice! You get back here this instant and let me pet that dog!
[on a date]
me: *whispers to waiter as I slide a $5 across the table* I’m going to the restroom. Make sure he doesn’t touch my fries.
hey idiots you don’t have to go back in time to kill hitler he’s already dead
My testicles are in The Guinness Book of Records. Got a few minutes before the librarian sees me.
Desperate, I pull a goose from my bag and throw it screaming into the bully’s face. Gertrude, my biggest and angriest goose, destroys him.
Some people have goals based on a summer body; mine revolve entirely around the weight limit of my beach chairs.
me: the most exercise I get is from sex
friend: but you’re so out of shape
I would steal more cars if only folks left their keys behind the sun visor like in the movies DAMN.
There are things I say outloud as a parent that before I had kids I would have never believed needed to be said and “if you don’t actually apply the sunscreen to your body it will not work” is one of those things.
Shoutout to the toothpaste stain on my shirt for making it appear that I had a WAY better time this morning than I actually did.
My husband asked me yesterday what I would do with my time if money was no object, and apparently “buy out a Target and sit on top of my hoard like a manic-depressive dragon” was an incorrect response so idk.
Instead of telling people to drive safely, tell them you had a dream that they died in a car crash. Then to avoid looking crazy, say “I don’t believe in those things, so it’s probably nothing, don’t worry.”
They will drive… super carefully.