doctor it hurts when i do this *checks bank account*
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[First Date]
HER: Do you consider yourself a feminist?
ME: Oh I’m not feminist at all!
HER:
ME: In fact, some of my best friends are women.
Forget teleportation or invisibility. If I could have any superpower it would be the ability to attain the perfect salsa to chip ratio every time.
Girlfriend: [breaking up with me by phone] Hopefully someday it’ll be clear but you and I are not the same.
Me: Obviously not. They’re two different letters.
*click
If by “new money” you mean it hasn’t been printed yet, yes, that’s me.
Writing historical fiction is so benignly chaotic, like I’m in the middle of composing an intense, heartfelt, philosophical scene then suddenly I have to open a new tab for “when were towels invented”
Found a picture of me sitting on Santa’s lap. Hard to believe it’s been a whole year.
If you hate being single, imagine being with someone who sets 10 alarms to wake up each day and sleeps through every one of them.
Do you think it’s possible to train a hedgehog to walk up an down the table with cubes of cheese on it’s spikes? I’m giving a dinner party.
You haven’t lived until you’ve had a dog give you the “Jesus Christ go to bed already” look
Me (screaming in baby’s face): EITHER KILL ME OR MAKE ME STRONGER!!!!
What kind of emotional tailspin causes people to “like” Lysol on Facebook?
Sorry kids I missed your childhood, I was busy trying to set a strong password
On a scale of 1 to ‘Maxi pad with wings’
How self-absorbed are you?
Me: you married?
Him: separated
Me: your wife know about that?
[at the altar]
*leans in for a kiss*Priest: the bride, sir
When life gives you chlamydia, make lemon chlamydia?
Me: *seductively spreading peanut butter on my chest
Sir, you’re going to have to leave.
Me: *reluctantly gets off treadmill
If evolution is real then why aren’t hammerhead sharks nail gun head sharks yet?
me: I had some friends over for dinner, but they didn’t like the tacos I made
him: oh no, did you overreact-
me: no, I just threw them out
him: oh
me: then I ate the tacos
him:
Forgot to do laundry again. I bet everyone at work is going to love my prom dress.
ME: You should always say no to drugs.
SON: Okay.
ME: Let’s practise. Do you want this drug?
SON: No, two drugs.
Murphy does not need a real egg to feel accomplished!!He’s quite content with his rock, and VERY protective of it! After his spring hormones have run their course, he will get bored and move on to other activities. Poor rock.
[lost at sea]
Me: *sees giant shark* yeah, we’re gonna –Movie nerd: NEED A BIGGER BOAT?!
Me: – die.
I haven’t won anything since I did my kid’s fifth grade science fair project.
didn’t turn any of my pre-dawn work alarms off bc i thought i needed to panic for no reason on my days off
My son just got his brown belt in Tae Kwon Do. If you threaten him, he bows respectfully before he runs.
[walking into a store on september 1st]
employee: MERRY CHRISTMAS!
We weren’t going to post a joke about mail, but sometimes you just gotta send it.
4-year-old: “Frozen” is on TV!
Me: We have it on DVD. And Blu-ray. And digital download.
4: Yeah, but this one is on right now.
Please don’t put a coin on my mouth when I die; I plan to wander the shores of the River Styx for 100 years & finally get that bikini body.