*points to wrist* this is my Fitbit.
*points to rest of body* this is my fatbit.
You Might Also Like
I’m fairly certain that watching paint dry & waiting for a pot to boil take less time than anything a 3yo insists they will do without help.
If newscasters are going to be broadcasting from their homes, the least they can do is show us around the place.
gf: u wanna put something dirty on tv
me: *seductively drapes my socks on television*
I think one of the main reasons I don’t believe in reincarnation is because I don’t like the idea that I’ve done all this before and am still so bad at it.
Maybe your parents told you a watched pot never boils so you wouldn’t go around sticking your face near boiling water, idiot.
ok what if you’re in the school pickup line and you see a woman eating from a charcuterie board in her car, would you judge me?
i mean her would you judge her
NASA : we were wrong , there ARE 9 planets in the Solar System
PLUTO: I’m back, baby!
NASA: because we found a new one!
PLUTO: SON OF A
I’m ugly in California man. I got a job there at a poison control center and they just called me into the room when they needed someone to throw up
If snakes were wide
THE INVENTOR OF THE INTERNET: what if I told you that you could communicate with idiots from all over the world
I’m rubber. You’re glue.
I don’t conduct low voltage electricity. You’re great for arts & crafts.
I do the crane stance like in the Karate Kid movie each time I have to flush the toilet in a public restroom.
SICK’EM SPIKE!!!
[the burglar and I stare as my pet turtle walks very slowly across the room]
When you’ve aged 15 years since 2020 and they still tell you that you’re cute
Providing directions like “when the wind blows northeasterly, you’ll come to a rickety old white mansion with an old crone in a rocking chair on the porch—turn to the exact angle her nose points, then continue until a frog hits you in the face. I’ll be the one throwing the frog.”
BREAKING NEWS:
Sting has been kidnapped.The Police have no lead.
Shouldn’t Spiderman have 4 more legs?
ah, mercury’s going retrograde, that explains why i accidentally squandered my entire youth
[laying on the office couch]
Therapist: “Tell me about your childhood.”
Me: “Ok, but when does the foot massage begin?”
If y’all are gonna insist on calling those things “hoverboards,” I’ll be over here flying around with my “jetpack.”
“Murder most fowl!” I scream as the cops pull me away from the many duck corpses. They explain I misunderstood Hamlet while arresting me.
On our break this morning, I started to tell my wife about the novel scene I was writing. Halfway through my explanation, she took out a grocery store receipt and started silently reading it to herself.
No professional review will ever so harsh. I am now dead.
This line from Airplane.
Good news, I don’t have the virus. Bad news, I can still taste my cooking.
I must be an amazing singer… My daughter is so moved by the music, she’s rocking and crying in the corner.
marriage advice: if you ask “is that guy a double agent?” enough times your husband will hand you the remote.
No shit your baby is crying. You just announced her weight to a group of strangers.
PRO TIP: If a girl in a hot bikini DMs you about crypto, ignore him.
I relish the fact that you’ve mustard the strength to ketchup to me.