As I sit in this coffee shop practicing for my Sign Language final it occurs to me, all of these people probably think that I’m talking to myself.
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witch (intending to push gretel into the oven): go check the oven
me: mean witch! but cunning
gretel (intending to push the witch into the oven): how do you check an oven
me: the chess game continues. Genius
witch: okay. i will put my body in the oven to demonstrate
me: oh
Me: mic is short for microphone
My kid: so my uncle’s name is Microphone?!
Pet names convey familiarity and endearment. For example, honey pot, baby cakes, Succubus.
I only eat free range chicken because I only eat food that was given the illusion of freedom before it was murdered
I left my milkshake in the yard too long
And the boys got food poisoning
I’m slytherin because everyone knows women like a bad boy
I’m kidding, I’ve never even read lord of the rings
I’d be a terrible coroner. My reports would say something like: Subject is 44yo male. Cause of death, asphyxiation. Nice jaw. One unruly eyebrow. Strong hands. Excellent manscaping. We probably would have been great friends, possibly lovers. 8/10 stars.
When your wife asks what’s on TV, dust is not the right answer.
Some people can’t sleep because they have insomnia. I can’t sleep because I have internet connection.
[funeral]
WIFE: remember, don’t be stupid
ME: *to widow* I’m sorry u lost your husband
WIDOW: thank you
ME: do u want me to go look for him
I think they’ve made more Kung-Fu Panda movies in the last 20 years than they’ve made actual pandas
People: why do dogs bark at the mail man every single day
Dogs: the mailman has literally never gotten in how do you not see what I’m doing
My mum is visiting this weekend and she has taken the absolute best photo of the cats.
Sorry I yelled “April Fool’s” while you were proposing to your girlfriend.
all year 14 has said he hasn’t had any homework or school projects so either we hit the jackpot or shit is about to get REALLY real
Wanna buy something but can’t find it online?
Just text someone about it! Instagram will show you ads the next minute.
Problem solved.
Cat: Meow
Me: Meow
Mom: Why do you do that?
Me: Silly, huh?
Mom: No, reckless! Do you even know what you said? What if you told him he’s fat
Hey maybe the dark matter in the universe is actually all the money that is owed to freelancers.
Apparently If ur BF says “if anything happens to me,I want u to meet someone new….”
“anything” doesn’t include getting stuck in
traffic.
[childbirth]
her: omg its agony
me: i thought we agreed on tiffany
Before joining Twitter I thought I was stupid. But now I’ve realised I’m not alone.
the fbi, studying my kidnapper’s proof of life photo of me, notice a morse code message of mustard stains across the front of my shirt that says: ‘we’re out of mustard’
Imagine being hungry and some guy tries to teach you to fish
Me on a dinner date: be cool, be cool, be cool…..
*dips cookie in barbecue sauce
Music can take you places instantly.
Like whenever I hear Nickelback
playing on my car radio…It instantly takes me to another station.
If we all winked, laughed out loud, stuck out our tongues and blew kisses in real life as much as we do in texts…it would be very creepy.
I’ve decided to go out on the street tonight.
Can’t wait to be chased by the police.
At least a man will finally be chasing me.
My 17yo son made me do 40 seconds of star jumps in the garden to help me ‘keep fit’.
In return I made him no dinner to help him ‘keep slim’.
I’m going to need a moment here.
*middle of the gang rumble
Me: Time out, TIME OUT! My mom’s calling, everyone be quiet for a second