Mother in law said if she was married to me, she’d poison my wine. I said if I was married to her, I’d drink it.
You Might Also Like
waiter: would you like the bill?
me: no thanks
I hate when someone is killed in a movie. While normal ppl watch the scene, all i’m doing is try to catch the dead character breathing.
[first day as hostage negotiater]
me: [taking the phone] yyyyyelllo
[loud explosion from inside the bank]
me: we have a problem, i forgot the speakers
her: it’s cool i don’t like music
me: ok we have 2 problems
The year is 2030. Bakery art is so realistic, literally anything could be cake. The uncertainty has gripped the world in fear. I go to hug my wife for comfort. She is cake.
Some people can never, ever admit they’re wrong. I’m not one of them though I was definitely wrong about you
Sir, your wife was stabbed ten times, but the missing piece is the murder weapon. So far we have nothing, Mr *checks notes* Scissorhands.
I think the government looks at Twitter and thinks ‘This is WAY cheaper than Asylums’
[Visiting a Cybercafe for the first time]
Me: one internet please
I don’t care how much candy he offers you, kids, do NOT get out of Billy Ocean’s dreams and into his car.
[calls work] I’m sorry I can’t come into work today
“is everything alright?”
[getting owned in an argument on YouTube] no
Patient: Doc, my stomach is killing me.
DR DOG: *scratches chin* Have you tried eating grass?
Pro tip:
Ensure that you never have to spend the holidays at your mother-in-law’s again by telling her that her cooking tastes “institutional.”
neurosurgeon: *turning my head upside down to shake out a pebble*
*uses Mr. Clean magic eraser to wipe off your drawn on eyebrows*
Me to Kids: …and so the princess married the first person who asked her, and that’s called ‘settling,’ can you say ‘never settle,’ children?
Husband, walking in: What the- what kind of bedtime story is THAT?
Me, fleeing room: And they all lived happilyeveraftergoodnight!
Spam emailers who use the heading “Loaded broccoli salad to win the holidays” are not to be trusted.
So, if I take out a reverse mortgage on my house does that mean I’ll own a bank after 30 years?
if the moon landing really happened then where did the moon land?? i don’t see it anywhere you think you’d notice it i mean it’s at least 5, 6 feet wide
Brit friend: Ugh. Brexit is a disaster. How are things over there?
Me: We”re in a ketchup war with Canada.
If you take a blue whale and lay it end to end on a basketball court, it will be really hard to play basketball.
Me: *buying one beer, one carrot, one potatoe & one steak*
Cashier: you must be single?
Me: yes, lol. How did you know?
Cashier: you’re ugly.
*overheard in 6’s virtual class*
6: I saw a raccoon our backyard yesterday, and I wanted to show it to my mom, but it ran away.
Kid: Oh, are raccoons scared of your mom?
I’ve been with my bf for a little over a year now and my future mil has already vowed to never speak to me again. How was I chosen for this blessing? Did I win some kind of award?
[watching TV]
me: Where are your pants?
toddler: I took them off so I could see better
If elves make shoes, cookies and toys, why don’t we put them in charge of more stuff
Okay me first
im gonna have a productive weekend
*watches 3 seasons of a show*
*organizes shirts by softness*
*naps 5 times*
ugh i never have enough time