I’m bringing microwave mashed potatoes to my works Thanksgiving lunch because I dont really like any of my coworkers enough to peel potatoes for them.
You Might Also Like
So in The Matrix they feed you the liquified remains of the dead through a tube but you get to sleep and be online all day? I’m listening.
ME: hey I’m just in time to watch the meteor shower!
METEOR: um, how about a little privacy?
Wow, the CIA making jokes on Twitter shows they’re just as human as any other bunch of guys who kidnap people and torture them in secret.
A 23-yr-old woman in India fought off an adult tiger with a stick.
My cat stole my tuna sandwich right out of my hand.
I don’t understand what’s happening here.
6 wakes me at 6:30am: wanna play a game?
Me: go hide! 1, 2, 3…
6: you’ll never find me!
Me: *goes back to sleep*
I said “I’m not going to repeat myself”
“Stop slapping your brother’s forehead with that bacon.”
——‘What are things I never thought I’d need to say today’ for $100, Alex
Movies show people kissing in the rain but I want a guy who’ll run out there and get the cushions off the porch chairs when the weather starts kicking up.
Announcer: In one corner, her will to live. In the other corner, her sanity. Let’s get ready to crumblllllllle
Me: It’s just really upsetting that people just assume my dialogue tweets are just jokes and didn’t really happen, you know?
The Pope: Yeah I feel that dude
My chihuahua’s basically a tiny cartel kingpin who’s scared of the rain.
Let’s be honest, you don’t ”watch” tv, you use it as a backround echo creating machine like the rest of us
What idiot called him Steve Jobs instead of Mac Daddy
Not to brag, but I have one of those metabolisms that I can eat anything I want and still get fat
I was never cast in grade school plays because I refused to do nude scenes.
*cop approaches me*
“have u seen this girl?”
*holds up photo*
“yeah I’ve seen her, NAKED”
*hi-5*
“haha but seriously shes in my trunk”
Someone just asked my son what other type of fish do you like then?
He replied….chicken.
Thank god he is good looking.
[Commercial for narrators]
Narrator: Don’t you wish someone would tell you important information in a soothing voice? NARRATORS
I don’t get laid on Saturdays. The last two words were unnecessary.
[Antiques Roadshow]
When this was first painted, the wolves were much further in the background. I would sell it before they reach the frame
no one explains why witches fly on brooms. like they could’ve gone with any household object but they chose stick. i for one would’ve gone with chair. imagine cackling across a yellow moon in a lazy boy. feet up, black cat on your lap, no splinters. just a chill time.
I will never fall in love with any twitter girl here as I am scared that one of these unknown accounts may be a sting run by my wife.
mozzarella stick implies the existence of a mozzarella tree
Every kid turns into a mall walker when the lifeguard yells NO RUNNING
Less concerned about the rotten apples than the really stupid ones.
PICASSO: She had one eye on her forehead, and her nose was on the side of her face
COP: Maybe someone else should describe the suspect
Sorry I forgot your birthday but I thought we’d stop being friends long before it got here.
[first day as a human being] wow there are a lot of us, this seems promising 🙂 it appears that we’re all in this togeth-
All peanut butter is crunchy if you mix chocolate chips into it.