A shout out to all those who remember the keys of the house only after shutting the door.
You Might Also Like
If you’re ever chased by a police dog, try not to go through a tunnel, over a little seesaw and through a hoop of fire.
They’re trained for that.
Welcome to your 40’s. Right after you’re done peeing, you feel like you need to pee.
Me, at the edge of a cliff: HEEEEEEELP
My therapist:” EnjOy the mOment”
a cauliflower is a plant explosion in extremeley slow motion
To my friends: You smile, I smile, you hurt, I hurt, you cry, I cry, you jump off a bridge. I’m gonna miss your e-mails.
Your sex life as a parent basically becomes “Fifty Shades of Pray Those Kids Stay Asleep.”
You seem stressed. Perhaps I can help by stepping on your computer’s power button
–cats
sneezy geese carry a honkerchief
gen z girls can dress like 1998 all they want, but they’ll never know the joy of your parents having literally no way to get ahold of you until u come home
The problem with hosting a party at my house is I can’t leave the party early and go home.
FRIEND: what r u watching
ME: unsolved mysteries
FRIEND: so just mysteries?
ME: [taking bite of edible food] i’m not sure what u mean
Sorry I romantically ran a seagull feather across your lips.
*At the magic show*
Magician: Now I need a volunteer
Gary the Murderer: *raises a hand*
Magician: OH MY GOD WHOSE HAND IS THAT
Accidentally walked into the women’s bathroom, went ahead and peed sitting down so it wouldn’t be awkward for anyone.
No, officer, no one is being murdered. I just had to rinse the shampoo out of my child’s hair.
If you’re not carrying around matchbooks from places you’ve been recently I don’t know why you don’t want your murder to be solved
The holiday season is fast approaching. Let’s celebrate with the Happy Triangle Man. 💩
5 year old: can we just have dessert for dinner tonight? I’m asking you first because you make great decisions.
me: helo darkness my old friend
darkness, who just turned 30 and is totaly self-conscious about his age: cmon man im not old
The best time of day for a prostate examination is 6:30 because both hands are at the bottom.
I’m looking for a very tall gf to reach the cookies, or a very small gf I can lift up to get the cookies.
*At the Canadian Citizenship Exam*
Proctor: Your exam begins now and you have 1 hour to complete —
Me: *jumps out of desk and begins guzzling bottles of maple syrup* How many do I have to finish in an hour to pass?
My new favourite people are the Americans who complain about the air quality while chuffing on vapes all day.
Gyms are open !
Just finished an intense workout session! (sitting in a gym judging one person for the past 2 hours)
I asked my 6yo “aren’t you gonna help me plant flowers” and she said “oh mommy I would love to do that except that I don’t want to”
By age 30, most men have found that one special hairstyle they want to spend the rest of their life with.
People who say watching golf on TV is boring have obviously never listened to golf on the radio
My husband’s birthday is soon and today I put a reminder on the calendar to buy him a gift.
Our shared calendar.
At least he already knows not to expect much.
Let’s walk barefoot on grass!
-People who have never walked a dog
even worse than arguing with a stupid person online is when an even stupider person joins in but they’re on your side