Me: Hi—
Her: I have a boyfriend
Me: —and would you like fries with that?
You Might Also Like
ME: *hands a hundred dollar bill to a dog groomer and points at my head* just try your best
PLEASE HELP MY BIOLOGY TEACHER ASKED WHATS THE OPPOSITE OF “DOMINANT” AND I CONFIDENTIALLY ANSWERED “SUBMISSIVE” TO THE WHOLE CLASS
I’ll never forget my 8th grade teacher. She was a 12-foot snake monster. Had 4 heads. Ate 7 desks. Killed a kid. Really made an impression.
If You Take a Mom to Target:
If you take a Mom to Target, she’ll probably see a cute decorative basket in the dollar section that she likes.
Picking out that basket will remind her that she needs a bunch of stuff to put in it.
👇
Every time I see a couple riding a tandem bike, I try to figure out which one of them is pissed about it.
A horror movie, but it’s just me: struggling into my shape wear and then remembering I should’ve peed first.
God bless the hundreds of people doomsday prepping at Costco right now and still eating the little food samples sitting out for everyone to touch #coronavirus
My daughter complained we were out of snacks so I lifted the couch cushions.
Sure stepping on a Lego is painful, but have you ever twisted your ankle tripping over a cold and shamed Natalie Imbruglia lying naked on the floor?
Funny how whenever I ask someone how a girl I knew is doing, the first thing they say is “married.”
Like that’s gonna stop me!
It’s only a murder of crows if there’s probable caws
“This smoothie is spicy!”
“Ma’am, that’s salsa.”
something that I miss about being a child is people asking me what my favourite shape is. adults don’t do this.it’s a rhombus. u don’t care
I posted happy birthday bunny to my husband on Instagram. I’ve never actually called him bunny, but I didn’t have my glasses on and it was early in the morning and I meant to say baby and anyway, he’s bunny now. Forever.
Ghost a one-night stand by dying in their apartment.
Hey y’all, I finally got a smart phone. I’m a big girl now!
Anyone got a 5 year old I can borrow to teach me how to use the damn thing?
Spiderman: *shoots web from wrist*
spider: yeah that way’s fine too
The trick to free lunches is to tell your friend “you get this one, I’ll get the next 1” and then never see them again and make new friends.
[In meeting, puts cap on pen]
Me: Thanks everyone.
Coworker: Oh, also I nee–
Me: No, did you not see me cap my pen? This meeting is over.
Happy Star Trick Day.
May you go forth with the confidence of baby Yoda.
How many tricks you get today anyway?
It’s Ash Wednesday so today I had fish for dinner.
OK, I had Goldfish for dinner. That still counts, right?
My dad just said I should put our dog on “this site– have you been to it?” I went over to the computer. He had written “pomeranians” into Google image search
My child is sniffing a bruise on his arm to figure out how badly it hurts.
When my pc crashes, I go to the guy with the most action figures in his cubicle for help.
[my 1st flight as co-pilot]
me: [breaks 30 minute awkward silence] “so what do you do?”
pilot: “i fly the plane keith”
all these baby pumpkins drained of their spice and discarded behind a Starbucks
I want my toddler to be independent but I also want this banana peeled before I die.
If I ever ask you to hold a baby, you better ask whose baby I have because I’m clearly high and stole a baby.
burglar: [breaks into house]
my dog: “BARK BARK BARK BARK”
burglar: [strokes dog’s head]
my dog: “i have misjudged this very nice man”
So many haunted “mansions.” Sad how this country is killing the middle class ghost.