Read that again implies that I read it a first time, which I most certaintly did not.
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“Your guy is late.”
“It’s only been five minutes, chill.”
“Something doesn’t feel right.”
“Everything’s fine, Dave.”
“You sure this is the spot?”
“Yes.”
“And you know this guy is cool?”
“Yes, just relax.”
“Don’t give him the money until-”
“Until I see the kibble, yes I know.”
I hope everyone at burning man is okay, but I also wanna share that when I lived in San Francisco the week all the Burners left for Burning Man was THE BEST WEEK in the city and we all looked forward to it every year
Me: Our house is always so messy! What can we do?
Husband: I’m inclined to ask the kids to leave
Teen [fixing his hair in the mirror]: mum I think I have like, a natural perm? Is that a thing?
Me: yeahhh… it’s called curly hair
Cop: get down!
Me: *starts dancing*
Cop: *shoots at my feet* FASTER
Them: what’s your sign?
Me: exhausted potato
Son, “Something wicked this way comes.”
-me, walking into the kitchen
If two creepy eels slither up to you and promise to solve all your problems and make your dreams come true, be skeptical. That’s all I’m saying.
me: hmm…that’s a real head-scratcher…I don’t know there are significant pros and cons to each choice…maybe I should make a spreadsheet and do a cost analysis…
netflix, impatiently: dude, just pick something already
[me as a disc jockey]
me: call in with any requests
*phone rings*
me: you’re on the air
caller: please stop playing mambo number 5
It costs over $330,00 for parents to raise a child to the age of 18
And that’s just for the alcohol
Man: dog is my best friend
Dog: man is aight I guess
There we are, nodding away when my kid’s swim instructor gives her exercises to work on at home, like the big ol’ liars we are.
Wife: We hid 60 chocolate eggs right?
Me: Yes. I already “found” 5 though.
my deep-seated irrational fear of ceiling fans has been vindicated
Dear student,
When you use a camera to digitise a coursework for submission, please make sure you crop out any bits you don’t usually show off in public. Alternatively, please wear pants when taking the photos.
Yours,
A disturbed lecturer
Your Game of Thrones name is your biggest fear spelled backwards plus the profession your guidance counselor suggested. Mine is Snwolc Clown
I’m old enough to be your uncle…your sexy uncle
Do you ever wonder if your parents spoil your kids to get back at you for what you put them through as a teenager? Because I’m totally thinking of doing that.
boss: my secretary said you needed to see me urgently.
me confident I’ll get the raise I want because I found out his gamer tag: that’s right punished_gordon.
What if everyone had the same neckline as Troi?
Mayo fridge always be filled with condiments
Senior: *Gets diploma* I’m glad all the cliquey high school stuff is behind me
Principal: *Laughs for the rest of the graduation ceremony*
Taxidermist’s Wife: Whatcha thinkin’ about?
Taxidermist: Stuff.
*gets down on one knee*
I don’t usually complain about the way people decorate their cubicles Tina but you should know my entire family was killed by a dachshund.
°pulls up to drive-thru°
[ME] ONE NUMBER 4 WITH A COKE
[FREIND] aren’t you on a diet
[ME] oh yeah..AND A BOOK ABOUT MANNERS FOR MY FRIEND
I’ll leave a to-do list on the table in case any of you stalkers get bored.
OMG! How did you get all of those bruises?
Me: [flashback, crashing into dresser trying to zip skinny jeans] I slipped on the ice.
Strangers are friends you haven’t met yet.
Friends are lovers you haven’t kissed yet.
Lovers are corpses you haven’t killed yet.