I never understand why do people whisper at funeral’s ? The most important guy at this party is dead he can’t hear you.
You Might Also Like
My pics are real.
I don’t use any filters.
I don’t even use coffee filters.
I eat coffee straight outta the container like a man
Cornhub…
For them dirty farmers.
Active voice: I loved your book
Passive voice: Your book was loved
Passive-aggressive voice: I love how you felt the need to write a book
Toy stores should spread the toys out on the floor so you can see them in their natural state and practice stepping on them.
My bathroom mirror after a long party weekend: girl, those vitamins can’t help you now
[lips on a snake]
WIFE: what are you doing?
ME: getting rid of the poison
WIFE: you’re supposed to suck your own bite
SNAKE: leave him alone
“please retain for your records” – bold of you to assume that I, a person who still has to dig boxes out of the trashcan bc i forgot to read the recipe, have “records.”
You don’t scare me, you are not the contact lens that is lost inside of my eye.
“we serve breakfast all day” no you don’t, you serve eggs and pancakes for dinner, which is totally fine, but let’s not lie to ourselves
the coronavirus pandemic taught me that life is short and politicians are willing to make it shorter
Me: Dad, how did you guys manage without WhatsApp and SMS ??
Dad: We used to keep useless information to ourselves.
Our system is shit. I’m 24 and only have two years left on my moms health insurance. Then, I have to find a new mother
I haven’t won anything since I did my kid’s fifth grade science fair project.
I like how there was a resurgence in the past few years of vinyl records, the most inconvenient of all possible media since the stone tablet.
Me: You’ve got the same stupid duck face in every picture! Daffy: Erm… 😐
If she pulls back her hair in a ponytail without breaking eye contact you’re about to either have a good time or be murdered. Embrace the mystery, champ
WIFE: you forgot to run the dishwasher again, didn’t you?
ME: [drinking milk from a flower vase] no, why?
Please. Do not push me into the pool. The pockets of my cargo shorts are filled with packets of Kraft Mac & Cheese powder.
(pointing at TV) That’s Homer, he’s sort of the ringleader. The hierarchy is actually not super clear but it seems like he and the woman grew the smaller ones somehow
The best thing about going to see a film with your child is them insisting on going to the toilet 2 minutes before the end.
My trainer said that I have to stop referring to Reese Cups as protein bars
Ah, spring is here. Time to open the windows and remind my neighbors that I know every word to the “Grease” soundtrack.
Just walked into my local court house, they were all sitting around in a circle with black candles and robes trying to summon a jury #funny
My husband gives people the thumbs down instead of flicking them off from the car. He reports that the thumbs down makes people even more mad.
WIFE: stop quoting Britney Spears songs or I’ll leave you
ME: but I’m a slave 4 u
WIFE: that’s it
ME: (whispers) oops I did it again
“Dad, are we pyromaniacs?”
” Yes, we arson.”
WIFE: I’m leaving you because of your constant mansplaining. I can’t believe you didn’t see the writing on the wall.
ME: That’s called graffiti, Sharon.
So Torchwood, the Who spinoff, is notably an anagram of Doctor Who, so obviously this must be the rule for all subsequent spinoffs. I’m now going to pitch my show “Hoot Crowd” about a large group of time-travelling owls.
*august*
y’all need jesus
*christmas ads start*
not like that
I’m jealous of people who have more than one ab.