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I don’t know why the principal, the teachers & my daughter are freaking out. I would have loved to have a beer in my lunch when I was 12.
I’m fine with the orcas as long as they don’t move into my neighbourhood
*Sneezes*
Dating: Bless you
Engaged: You’re adorable
Married: We need to talk
If you’ve never seen someone do karate in white leather pants…then buckle up baby, because I’m about two wine coolers away from making your dreams come true.
how about no fine and just a warning for the first offense
It’s the year 2354, the world is now like that futuristic Bruce Willis movie.
No, the other one.
No, the other one.
No, the other one.
No,
If you keep laughing then you’ll always have the last laugh.
*walks into door on street, looks around*
Whew…no one saw me…One year later…
*watching TV*
*sees self on Funniest Videos*
Ok so when the clock does it, it’s fine, but when I do it, I’m “cutting ahead of 45 people in airport security”?
Yes, I said I was sorry and that I’d do anything to win you back. But that was before you told me you needed a ride to the airport at 5am.
[ interview ]
cable company: where do you see yourself in five years
me: you mean between 3 and 8 years from now?
cable company: when can you start
me: between monday and july
My mother-in-law showed up 3 hours early for Thanksgiving.
-my suicide note
In my house “no” means keep doing it till mom loses her shit.
[private investigator hands me a folder] well she’s not cheating on you
[looking though numerous photos of my wife refrigerating bread] oh god no
Props to the guy who numbered combo meals. Ordering a number four combo meal sounds a lot better than ordering a double quarter pounder meal
Me: *being patted down* I can explain
Cop: *holding several ziplock bags filled with cheeto dust I had down my pants* this isn’t illegal but I’m listening
If you give him the silent treatment, he wins. Instead, voice every single thought that pops into your head until he kills himself.
When I die, my only wish is for my corpse to be respectfully catapulted onto a whitewater raft of people going down the Colorado river
Stephen Hawking says artificial intelligence could destroy the human race. Sorry Stephen, but my money’s on LACK of intelligence.
Whoever left me in charge of all this booze is going to have a lot to answer for tomorrow.
first person to peel a carrot: this needs to be slightly smaller
6yo: Wow you look much better already daddy! Will you be able to have the stitches out soon?
Taxidermist: He will not
WIFE: you need a haircut
ME: I do not
WIFE: *whistles and a little bird pops up on top of my head, chirping*
ME: shhhh, she just had babies
Love it when people who don’t eat sushi cringe and ask, “isn’t that just raw fish?”
Like the waiter is going to bring you a bucket of trout heads and feed you like a seal.
My pants had a harsh talk with me this morning and said enough is enough or they’re going to split
My 6yr old says she’s going to stay up until the New Year, NO MATTER WHAT. She just asked if it was midnight yet, it’s 7:05.
The Blob: Bakery Beginning!
me: i have good and bad news
her: bad first
me: there’s a dead body in the woods near the train tracks
her: what’s the good news
me: i found waldo
I woke up at 3 am this morning to the sound of my burglar alarm
“Time to go out and rob some people!” I said
If you’re looking for a good place to buy a Blackberry, I’d suggest 2006.