Please stop inviting me to bars where I have to stand up the whole time I’m not a dairy cow
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We’ve all got that one family member who’s an embarrassment and this restraining order suggests my family’s settled on me.
I was going to watch the news this morning but I decided I wanted to have a good day.
If you are really good at comedy you can make $250 writing for a multimillionaire.
Friend: How do you keep ending up in these situations?!
Me: *slowly pokes head out of dumpster*
“Hello?”
“Hi it’s me”
“Oh hi me”
[wedding]
Priest: repeat after me
Groom: after me
P: … [to bride] is he serious
Bride: no his name is gary
I didn’t want to use the word “Orwellian” in a tweet until I was confident that I could use it properly, so here goes: Orwellian would be a cool name for a horse.
Please send yard fairy. Or a genie. Or your firstborn. Anyone that will cut grass will do
Watching fireworks is like listening to a kid’s story: you have to pretend to be enthralled every time, but in reality you lost interest after the first 3 minutes.
[tavern]
Jerk on stool next to me:
Which do you like better my looks or my personality?Me: I’m gonna need more options.
Him: you’re so cool
Me: thanks
Him: …and aloof
Me: thanks
Him: it’s like you were raised by cats
Me: *licks his face* huh?
“Damn you, Autocorrect!!!!” – Mark Zuckerberg, who had intended to announce that he was giving away 99% of his socks
Part of the fun of buying a new house is exploring what the previous owners left behind. Old pennants, newspapers, grandma, etc.
Me: [at the gym] arm or leg day?
Octopus: [crying] I’m not sure
Backstreet Boys: Show Me the Meaning of Being Lonely.
Me: *slow dances with cats around a pot of mac & cheese*
POTATO MAGICIAN: is this your carb
Parents be like “i don’t have a favorite child” then use one of your siblings birth dates as a password
No one has more false hope than my Fitbit when I get off the couch.
Why is sugar SO addictive, and broccoli is just like, “I’ll be here when you need me”
Do you ever eat a mint and then take a sip of cold water and it hurts your teeth and then all your teeth fall out and they form a pentagram on the floor and the lights shut off and your ears start ringing and the ringing turns into an explosive roar
every nextdoor post is like “i saw a car drive by my house without asking my permission first. do i call the fbi or the national guard?”
Venus and Serena are famous for being Tennis-y Williams
Yoga class
*sniff sniff*
“Someone stinks of 11 herbs and spices”Embarrassed chicken closes her legs
I just saw a guy put deodorant on before walking into an adult bookstore.
I kinda want to date him now.
Idiom update: “the pot calling the kettle black” is now “the guy from Aerosmith accusing a dude of looking like a lady”
public defender: if we get the wooden hammer away from the judge we win
[straw house]
Wolf: [big inhale]
[gun cock from inside]
Wolf: [soft exhale]
Them: How long can you hold your breath?
Me: 20 years, apparently.
If you’re ever attacked by a bear play deaf, be like “I can’t even hear you bear”