During this difficult time, I urge all parents to go through their children’s toys after they go to bed tonight and throw out any kazoos and whistles.
It’s too late for me, but PLEASE save yourselves!
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[first date]
Her: I love cats
Me: (trying to impress) *pushes her plate off the table*
*pushes you to the couch and latches on*
I’m a koala, and you’re my eucalyptus tree.
*pretends to eat your hair*
My kids are fighting and screaming loudly outside. I should probably do something.
*closes window*
“You can do better than that.”
– people who don’t know me all that well
I need a bathtub filled with chicken nuggets.
No time for questions.
Not saying my marriage is bad but I swiped left when I saw my husband on Tinder
ME: [leaning over toilet] Hold back my hair
YOU: Ok
ME: [drinks from toilet like dog]
YOU: You’ve made your point I’ll wash up some glasses
Happy Taco Tuesday
“Shotgun!” I yell as I push past the others and climb into the seat.
I am subsequently escorted from the airplane.
The kid hasn’t pooped in 3 days.
Do I just squeeze him from the other end like a tube of toothpaste?
me: I just hate delivering bad news over the phone
firefighter: *staring at burned down building* ok but you still should’ve
I wondered why everyone said I had “bed hair”, until I looked in the mirror and noticed a tiny mattress on top of my head.
Excessive use of commas is a serious
crime which may result in a long sentence.
Forgot my glasses so I’m pointing at a random spot on the menu and hoping for the best
Dentist: *gives me numbing shot before my 7th root canal* I’ll be back with-
Me: Yes, I know…the drill.
PET PEEVE: Why do we call them baby names? They’re HUMAN NAMES. They don’t expire as you grow up.
me: excuse me where’s your restroom
salesman: it’s for customers only
me: [doing the pee dance] ok I will have one ford explorer please
Hey people – learn to spell!!!
I mean my co-workers. Twitter, you guys actually do pretty well, considering half of you are probably drunk.
Why are we all Facebook friends with an English teacher we had in high school
Anyone else having trouble with their Satnav today?
I typed in ‘Cowes’ and it’s brought me here. 🤷♂️
Being brave is overrated.
Just run away, screaming, like a normal human being.
Water balloon fight, but the balloons are filled with mayo.
If you see your ex, wrap your hands behind your neck and pretend you’re making out with someone. That’ll show him you’re still crazy AF.
An egg with 28 followers says I’m not funny. So if you need me, I’ll just be in the kitchen making an omelette.
DATE: I’m a historian, I love the mediaeval era
ME: [trying to impress her] *dies at 28*
[Calling the police]
“Help! Someone with a slice of beef strapped to his elbow is chasing me!”
“Stay calm.”
“Yes, that’s him!”
You guys ever see the Malaysian Matrix
Me: *singing “Don’t stop believing”*
Joe: What are you doing?
Me: Practicing for Journey duty
J: You mean Jury duty?
M: No, it says…shit
I saved a ton of money on cool sports cars, vacation getaways and NFL season tickets by having children.
And Satan said “Let them drink instant coffee”.