[assembling baby’s cot]
Wife: take that bit off
Me [reluctantly removing the machine gun turret]: so anyone can just walk in here then
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I don’t understand how people use plastic wrap successfully.
When a movie says “Based on a true story.” it means this is sort of what happened but with way uglier people.
A spider built a web across a rarely used toilet in my basement so occasionally I’ll flush it for him so maybe he thinks he over a series of picturesque mountain rapids
Google Pay be like:
[waiter pours me another drink]
Me: I’ve never known anyone to be so late on a first date
Waiter: yes, 4 days is a bit much
Dear Religion,
Pics or it didn’t happen.
Love, Science
Heading to the hairdresser after lockdown like
Kids today will tell you how they hate tomatoes while eating chips and salsa.
ME: with the vaccines coming i’m feeling hopeful
HER: yeah life might go back to the way it was
ME: ok now i’m bummed again
me: [hiring a hitman] now how can we make my songs better
[texting]
WIFE: need to talk when u get home
ME: about what
WIFE: too much to text just wait till u get home
ME: *never goes home*
The year is 1997. Your Tamagotchi is thriving. You just set a new personal best with your Bop It. Your mom packed Dunkaroos in your lunch. Everyone at school wants to be your friend. Life is good.
The year is 2020. You just found out Dunkaroos are coming back. Life is good.
The lid on our bottle of glitter is not childproof. I know this now.
Easy there, Jedi. Convincing me to add wings to my pizza order isn’t a mind trick.
the guy who named Newfoundland really didn’t try at all, did he?
What’s the best way to commemorate the 500th episode of your podcast and why is it throwing yourself into an active volcano?
THE INVENTOR OF THE HUG: if you feel uncomfortable now, get ready to feel even more uncomfortable
I love travelling because I love to check if I have my passport every 3-4 minutes 🥰
I have an on again on again relationship with my couch.
I accidentally bought the “Super Long & Extra Absorbent” maxi pads this month and I think that’s why I have dry mouth.
ME: What are you in for?
CELLMATE: Money laundering.
ME: *lights a cig and takes a long drag* Always check your pockets before washing your clothes.
Imagine falling for someone then finding out they drink their coffee one spoonful at a time like soup.
Me: Nice abs, bro
Gym bruh: Uh, thanks?
Me: *pulling a sheet cake from my gym bag* Be a shame if something were to happen to them
PET PEEVE: Why do we call them baby names? They’re HUMAN NAMES. They don’t expire as you grow up.
WIFE: Honey? why is there a deer in the living room wearing your clothes? HONEY?
[Cut to me running naked through the moonlit forest]
My wedding didnt even make it into my sister’s instagram september dump but her Starbucks order did
Thank you Saran Wrap for so many years of not even remotely doing what I want.
Bury me in a shirt that says “not a zombie” so I can trick everyone when I’m a zombie
People say “5 second rule” like that’s a thing. I just ate a piece of Thanksgiving candy off the floor.
I’m at a kids fun park and let me just emphasize that the word “fun” is used loosely here.