I hate double standards. Burn a body at a crematorium, you’re “being a respectful friend.”
Do it at home and you’re “destroying evidence.”
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if you ever want to witness an Oscar worthy performance, ask any person from twitter their follower count and watch them pretend to not know
When Plan ‘A’ and Plan ‘B’ don’t work..
Plan ‘Shaggy’:
Say it wasn’t you.
Me: this is shit, I’m changing the channel
Wife: leave the baby monitor alone
Considered selling feet and/or leg pics but then I realized I’d have to actually shave and ain’t nobody got time for that
I always end up at the store behind people who’ve never been to a store.
Someone at work just yelled “go team” so I reported her for creating a hostile work environment.
So true for me
hey, teens who listen to classic rock: you were probably conceived to some of your favorite songs.
*placing Trump & Hillary signs on my lawn
Neighbor: “Confused about who to vote for?”
Me: “What? No! I’m making a Halloween haunted house.”
*Salem 1692*
Witch: I’m not a witch!
Judge: Look, if we’re being honest, you’re on trial for being a woman. Don’t make this weird
A rat followed me home in a dark street in DC, so I pretended I was on the phone with an exterminator
35+ crowd getting ready for the Teddy Riley vs Babyface battle
Everyone is exhausted by the pandemic, except my neighbor’s dog who has been barking non-stop since 2016.
My arm could be chopped off and I could be covering the wound with paper towels and my wife would be like, “Too many. You’re wasting them!”
Good news: I’m finally able to button my super skinny jeans.
Bad news: I’m not wearing them.
#RubbishJokes #WednesdayVibe
How do u make a Pirate angry?
Take the P out of him.
GOD: okay everyone gets one thing from this bag of traits
ELEPHANT: i shall take a long nose
GOD: how fun
BUTTERFLY: i shall have beautiful wings
GOD: oho yes very charming
MOSQUITO: i shall be a heinous little b***h
GOD: you know what this is my fault i did put that in the bag
When you don’t know if the headache you have is due to dehydration, stress, or lack of coffee so you just drink more coffee.
Just because you can eat everything at the “all you can eat buffet”, doesn’t mean you should. I know this now.
Sunday Family Dinner:
Mother In Law: Isn’t that your third glass of wine?
Me: Isn’t that your third husband?
MIL:
M:
MIL:
M: Gravy?
I know you’re not supposed to hug the old lady giving out samples at Costco, but the sausage she gave me had cheese inside. Cheese.In.Side.
There are two wolves inside me, one just took a brisk 1 hr walk while a drinking a gallon of water and the other binged an entire show and downed a pint of ice cream.
What rhymes with “hug me”?
Chutney.
SCIENTIST: You are my finest creation, and I love you like a son even though you’ve malfunctioned and now only say-
ROBOT: Fight me, dipshit
eclipses are always a great opportunity to convince your young child that you have god-like supernatural powers and should never be crossed. oh you want me to bring the sun back? go pick up your toys
there had to be at least one guy in Troy who looked at the Trojan horse and was like “oh my god do not bring that wooden piece of shit in here”
Me: (throwing up in toilet)
6: (pulls my hair out of my face)
Me: *aw she cares about me*
6: Can you see now to put in the password for the iPad?
Slicing an avocado: “I’ll carefully carve two halves then cautiously remove the pit to avoid bruising the fruit.”
Slicing a pineapple: “I’LL SEE YOU IN HELL SPIKEYBOI!”
Cerebral exploration with this Q tip.