[at work]
Boss: *at my door* Nice to see you here late with your head bent over your desk!
Me: Well, you know me, always working!
Boss: Keep it up! *leaves*
Me: *resumes trying to unstaple my tie from my desk*
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I’m sick of men’s 3-in-1 body wash shampoo and conditioner. Throw toothpaste in there.
You can tell how single I am by the way my cat and dog wear their sombreros with quiet dignity and acceptance.
My Pops told me that you can’t go around trying to save everyone. They have to save themselves. He was a terrible lifeguard.
You telling me these scissors are for rock paper?
Zoology should be spelled zooology but science isnt ready for that conversation yet
Him: You need to work on your communication skills
Me: [through megaphone right up in his face] PLEASE BE MORE SPECIFIC
You (drinking coffee): Drugs are bad
Me (smugly injecting heroin): Actually, coffee is a drug
“Name?” queries the Starbucks barista. The almighty feathered serpent Quetzalcoatl only sighs.
New rule: no video games before the time you’d normallly get home from school. That’s going to work with the 17 year old, right?
Hearing deteriorates as we get older. So why with every new year does the sound of someone eating become louder & more annoying?
I woke up this morning and my hair looked like a Beatles lyric.
Here, there, and everywhere.
Them: I don’t like you.
Me:
My kid just used the phrase “a perfect circle of parmesean cheese” when talking to his friends and I don’t care if he’s cooking or summoning a cheese demon, whatever he’s doing I must be a part of it.
My husband asked if I know the attractive, young woman who jogs down our street every day around lunch and this is one way to lose an office with a view.
Scientists recently discovered T-Rex hunted in packs, confirming once again that we should all send that asteroid a thank you card.
I DO love to rush breathlessly into Starbucks and scream “Is anyone in here writing a screen play? We need one! This is an emergency!”
[1st time at a crime scene]
Cop: What do you think happened?Me: The killer murdered these people by trapping them in these body bags
Cop: um we put them on
Me: Another good theory
i was doing yard work today when i stopped to tell a pile of leaves how cold fusion works. needless to say they were blown away.
Me: sandwich for lunch?
6yo: noooo!!!
Me: how about salami, tomatoes, cheese & bread?
6: YES!!I win.
ME: goodnight honey
WIFE: goodnight
EVIL BULLFROG THAT LIVES UNDER OUR BED: *angry ribbit ribbit*
BOTH OF US (in unison): goodnight evil bullfrog
*happy ribbit ribbit*
Inflation is definitely out of hand when hot cross buns are £1.25 for 4 when they used to be 1 a penny, 2 a penny.
That one onion ring didn’t end up in your french fries by accident. That’s Burger King’s way of flirting with you.
“Do you know why I pulled you over?”
“Was I speeding?”
“No. Because you have a pony tail.”
“I don’t understand.”
“Sir, you’re over 40.”
Million dollar idea: A nightclub for middle aged people with lots of chairs.
Tiime isn’t on my side, it’s on my face, wrinkling my forehead.
FYI: Waterparks can’t call it a “lazy river” if they make you get out to pee.
I’m finally putting that giant exercise ball to use, and my core is hurting from laughing at Toddler Dodgeball.
Juliet: and, if you forget my fries, don’t bother climbing back up
I’m a Lit major. I did my thesis on why my car is in the front yard and I’m sleeping with my clothes on.
first date idea: unlock and switch phones with the other person for exactly 2 minutes and if no one is horrified then the date continues