rumpelstiltskin: your child is mine unless you can guess my name within three days
barista: oh no
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No Himalayan cow hoof for me please. I’m yak toes intolerant.
I was a fantastic parent right up until I had kids of my own.
I made up a new language yesterday right after I broke my toe.
My brother never donates blood because he hates the thought that his blood is having more fun in somebody else than it ever did in him.
[On couch, notices it’s 6pm]
Luckily I don’t have to pick up the kids from the Christmas party until 8.
*Notices it’s February*
OH SHIT
Police Sketch Artist: How about now?
Me: Look I already told you, the fruit bowl is nice for perspective, but I wasn’t mugged by a naked guy
You look like the type of person who would try to write a check for a drug deal.
Me: I will not be tricked into buying stuff I don’t need.
Ad: Buy 4, get one free.
Me: I’ll take 10 then.
There’s been a whole lot of office Romance since I became self employed…
Bat 1: Do you ever think God made us blind so that we may see the world for what it truly is?
Bat 2: (startled) who said that
It’s hard to make the bed when someone’s in it. Especially if it’s me.
I can’t come into work today *cough* I’m really sick.
“Do I hear Mario Kart in the background?”
*hangs up*
A Kids thought…..I found a whip, a mask and handcuffs in my mums bedroom.
I can’t believe it… she’s a superhero
My friend is looking for a single, normal, well adjusted man. I told her to avoid twitter.
Follow Sunday: @funTweeters, because boredom.
[Restaurant]
Me *has a sip and nods at date* yes, that’s fine, we’ll have a bottleWaiter: One ketchup coming up
Them: life is so unfair sometimes
Me, thinking of how I’ve never been befriended by a wild animal: yeah it really is
She just assumed the chocolates I brought to the date were hers and not my pre dinner snack.
Basketball
starting a cleaning service for people with ADHD. I won’t be doing any of the actual cleaning, I’ll just be calling you at random times to tell you I’m on my way to your house and I’ll be there in about 45 minutes
FROM THE FIRST BITE YOU CAN TELL CELERY DOESN’T WANT TO BE EATEN
Caller: my dog ate chocolate! my girlfriend’s gonna kill me! I’m a dead man, a dead man!
911: calm down, sir. let’s focus on the dog
Caller: oh he’s fine.
911: but you said…
Caller: chocolate was my girlfriend’s cat
As long as my dog gets walked 4 times a day (with one of these taking place at approximately midnight) then she doesn’t go on the downstairs carpet. So easy!
I like dating chicks with kids, because snacks
OMG guys just watched the news and those “COEXIST” bumper stickers totally aren’t working :/
Imagine being in the Trojan horse with the lads, pure darkness and giggling like hehehe
guy who invented shot put: im tired of holding this put
teach a man to fish and fish will hate him forever.
Me: We’re going to get a new ventilation system installed, will make the house much healthier
7: Why is it unhealthy, it’s never even had junk food?
If I ever get trampled to death by a herd of cattle I want my obituary to say I was pasturized. Thanks.