Can you imagine if therapists did an end-of-year wrapped list like:
-cried 79 times
-picked up 5 new coping mechanisms
-made 43 jokes about your trauma
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facebook users be like “my page is NOT a safe space!” yeah of course it isn’t you just tagged 43 people in a post that very clearly leads to a phishing site
Hot girl in the avatar, but no selfies in your pics.
I’m just gonna call you “bro” from now on.
Are Millennials Destroying My Wife’s Favorite Lamp I Don’t Know How They Got in Either but I Definitely Wasn’t Practicing Karate in the Living Room so We Know It Wasn’t That
*puts ex in Memory Lane*
*revs car engine*
Day 4: They suspect nothing.
📸:
my child dressed himself up as a police car. no not a police officer, a police car
It’s not a beard, it’s an animal I’ve trained to sit very still.
as i search desperately for my floor, panic rises in lieu of the elevator
my favorite thing about Sesame Street is that everyone’s more concerned about Oscar being a grouch than the fact a vampire lives there
me: so the wife and I started running the dishwasher in the morning instead of at night and it’s had a real positive impact on our days, for example-
officer writing ticket: i’ll let you go if you just please stop talking
co-pilot: “ask in a way that won’t panic everyone”
pilot: “ok” [via intercom] “is there a fireman on the plane?”
The grammar police are there to ensure proper sentencing.
Amazon just got FAA approved for drone deliveries in Texas.
So now we have skeet shooting with miscellaneous prizes.
Child: Can I have some help with my homework?
Me: Sure. Let’s see. [reading] If you have six apples and give one-[10 minutes later]
Me: FIVE. FFS THE ANSWER IS FIVE
idk flipping houses looks really hard
Hairdresser: How much should I trim off the back?
Me: Leave it long enough for him to wrap around his fist twice.
We now live in an age where we rely on technology for even mundane tasks.
Think about it.
Some of you likely need GPS to find your backyard.
“They’re like a sponge at this age” I say to the parents of the baby I’m using to scrub dishes with.
[slams a leaf blower down on the counter at Home Depot] this hairdryer is too dangerous
Every time my neighbor puts his kayak on top of his car, I strap a bunch of pool noodles on top of mine. Two can play this game.
Same post same
Locked myself in the bathroom for 2 minutes of solace when lo and behold my 3 year old Macgyvered her way in with a hair clip. I’m too upset to be impressed.
ME: *puts my hair in a bun*
WAITER: gross
[the beeping to remind me to put on my seatbelt finally gives up]
*looks at driving test instructor*
“finally”
Me: “I’m looking for a psychic who rates themselves highly.”
Ian: “I’m a medium.”
Me: “I need someone better than that.”
My coworker doesn’t like me which is weird bc her husband does.
nyc:
Stop pronouncing it “pecan.” Everyone knows it’s “pecan.”
I refuse to acknowledge the new year until the old one cleans up the mess it made.
Dating tip: don’t mention your time as a Boy Scout, let your sash full of badges do the talkin.