imagine you’re on jury duty and the courtroom sketch artist draws stink lines above you
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Watching The Blair Witch Project. They brought no alcohol or drugs?
Washing instructions: Hand wash only.
Me: We’ll see about that.
Mom: “Do you want this?”
Me: “No.”
Mom: “Ok I’ll give it to your brother.”
Me: “No I want it.”
Really, Beyonce? You’re a multi-millionaire, and you expect people to believe you use £4.99 Loreal makeup?
Skynet: Send a Terminator to 1984.
[5 minutes later]
Skynet: Okay, nothing changed. Send the way better liquid terminator to 1991.
Did anyone ever see that documentary about some paper company in Scranton that a production team filmed for like 9 years?
I never feel quite so uncertain as when I’m walking the dog and a neighbor driving by waves to me but my free hand has a bag of poop in it.
I live in a high crime neighbourhood if you count socks with sandals.
GOD [creating humans] make them intelligent, sophisticated and rational
ANGEL: ok cool
GOD: but if they get told a plate is hot, they have to touch it lol
The most unrealistic part of cooking shows is when they have enough room in their fridge to fit an entire baking sheet.
[supermarket – empty shelves]
me: everyone is hordeing
her: I think you mean hoarding
me: *watching the Mongol army massing on the horizon* I know what I mean
One time back before automatic signatures I wrote a rather stern email to a group at work about a poorly-run project. I hastily closed with “Regards, (my name)” or at least thought I did; that day I learned qwerty keyboards are my enemies thanks to the proximity of the G to the T
forget nudes: in 2019 we’re sending pics in our fanciest attire. gauzy floral skirts. ball gowns. the kind of fur coat worn by a wealthy lady who has been thrice-widowed and hasn’t seen her fourth husband in some time.
Me: You better not be making a mess in that kitchen I just cleaned
My kids:
“I’M NOT LIKE OTHER GIRLS!”
*passionately grabs your face and starts French kissing your forehead*
I turn hot dog water into ice cubes for house guests I don’t like
ready to be harvested
finish your salad. a thousand islands died to make that dressing.
so no-one told you life was gonna be this way *gunshot* *gunshot* *gunshot* *gunshot*
[ SEXT ]
Me: Hey naughty girl, what are you wearing right now?
Her: Footed pajamas
M: …
H: …
M: …
H: …
M: K, gnight
If I were a cashier I’d pretend people were waiting in line to kiss me.
“it’s my expert opinion we need to remove all your bones”
wait you’re not my doctor
*a bunch of dogs fall out of the lab coat and run away*
If I was a police sketch artist I wouldn’t listen to the victim. I’d draw a majestic gay dragon then flip it over and be all, “Is this him.”
[Ouija board starts shaking and screeching]
Me: hold on I gotta take this
“I didn’t want to come to your party.” – gift cards
I’ll be in the yard for a bit. If anyone asks, I’m outstanding.
Nobody suspects that you’re digging a grave when you’re always working on your landscape.