*spreads Purell onto my English muffin*
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My biological clock is telling me it’s lunch time
I met my wife online. We’ve been married four years and have a girl, a troll and lovely twin bots.
Wife: You’ve been a naughty boy…
Me: Yes I have!
Wife: *Removes mask to reveal she is actually Santa*
Me: NOOOOOOOOOOO
No
one
yums like Gaston
Eats iced plums like Gaston
Knows you saved them but craves them, succumbs like Gaston
[preparing chicken for lunch]
me: it’s a meal we eat at middaychicken: gotcha
Peter Pan seems like a fun read until it’s an hour past bedtime and you’re trying to convince your kid that she always has to tell you before she leaves the house, even if it’s through the window in the middle of the night with a magical flying man
Sees cute guy in the parking. Drops something so I can bend over & do the sexy hair flip. Forgets I have short hair. He sees me as seizing.
The loudest noise a child can make from another room is silence
i always see couples holding hands but how do you become part of a couple? do you just leave your hand out and if someone holds it, you’re a couple
I’ve had whole relationships shorter than the Game of Thrones opening credits.
So according to the news today apparently Facebook is still a thing
Argue with me at your own risk. I have cutting comebacks a week later when I’m in the shower.
ROBIN: do you go to church
CATWOMAN: yeah i’m catholic
ROBIN: what’s a holic
CULT LEADER: join our cult
ME: no thanks
CULT LEADER: we believe Air Bud was a documentary
ME: I’m listening
4: Mommy, I need a snack
Me: Perfect timing! I was just going to make you a hot dog for dinner!
4: No. I don’t want dinner. I want a snackkkkk.
Me: How about a hot dog as a snack?
4:…. YESSSS
Him: Going to Taco Bell, want anything?
Me: I’m just thirsty
Him: What do you want?
Me: Six tacos and a burrito
I want to name my daughter Katie but that spelling is too common so I’ll spell it Potassiumatie.
Why did they call it K-pop and not Seoul music?
Flight attendant: Is there a doctor onboard?
Mom: *nudging me* that should’ve been you
Me: Not now Mom
Mom: Not asking for an artist to help, are they?
Everyone on the plane: Wait, you’re an artist?
Everyone on the plane, including dying guy: Can you draw me?
lifehack: you don’t have to be a cicada to burrow underground and then emerge and start yelling
sorry cinderella but if he couldn’t recognize your face without your designer shoes on I have some news
As a little girl I dreamt of being Belle so I could have that beautiful yellow gown- As a grown woman I want to be Belle so I can be locked away in an enchanted castle where the dishes clean themselves.
i woke up at 3:48 from a weird dream i wanted to rememember. tried to text myself sketchy details. accidentally sent them to a number one off from mine. help
The free hotel blow-dryer should be easier to get off the bathroom wall.
Getting grey hair hurts less when you say you’re sprouting tinsel instead.
Accidentally opened Excel. Decided to roll with it and get my life together. See you all never.
Somedays I feel like running away.
Then I remember how much I hate running.
Me: *squirting air bubbles into the sea monkey tank
7: I didn’t know those things were still alive.
M: That’s why you don’t have a dog.
Complete list of all the words I know to “The Macarena”:
1- Hey
2- Macarena
Got into loads of trouble at work for making “racist noises”. I just accepted the slap on the wrist because it was easier explaining that I was pretending to be the dad from Pingu.