[snowman rings doorbell]
Pardon me, but I overheard someone say something about a “snow blower” and was wondering where I might find one.
You Might Also Like
when a bird is walking around on its little bird legs. it’s mocking you. it’s saying this is you. this is what you look like.
shaved my legs in case there’s someone hot and single aboard the ufo
If you drop your pants for a “surprise checkup” and hear your doctor’s belt buckle hit the floor, you should probably head for the hills
can’t stop thinking about people that first ate mushrooms they found and just had to go through trial and error of like, this one tastes like beef, this one killed Brian immediately and this one makes you see God for a week
*me as a police sketch artist
*turns Etch-o-Sketch aroundAre these the stairs that guy dragged you down?
Me When I’m Sick: *very careful not to cough around my kids, tries to wipe down the surfaces I touch, don’t share food with them etc*
My Kids When They Are Sick: *sneezes directly into my mouth*
Got banned from being a chef in every restaurant in town because every time someone sent back a pavlova I would call it a boomeringue
Text from girlfriend: I love u more than anything else
Me: I love all the letters equally
My wife:“That’s not the shirt I sent her to daycare in.”
Me:“But it’s the right kid?”
Wife: “Yes.”
Me: “Awesome. I’m going to play Xbox”
From the 3 wise men story we learn that wisdom doesn’t always translate into mad gift giving skills
Rules for being a good neighbor:
1. MIND YOUR OWN GODDAMN BUSINESS
2. Don’t forget rule number one.
What did you think was happening when the #earthquake hit?
Me: If there’s Super Mario then how come regular Mario doesn’t wear glasses?
Therapist: I’m going to increase your medication
Somewhere a village is missing its idiot.
I guess what I’m trying to say is, I can’t remember where I live.
Her: u have a choice its me or the megaphone
Me: fine
Her: good
Me: [puts megaphone directly to her ear] I THINK WE SHOULD SEE OTHER PEOPLE
One day an iPhone is going to explode, and Android people are going to be like, “Samsung has had this feature for years”.
Her: You know, I hear a lot of guys are celebrating St. Patrick’s Day this year with a quiet dinner at home.
Me: Yea, the nursing home…
me: I’d like one mcdouble please
employee: sir, this is a Burger King
me: ok one mcdouble please, ur majesty
dentists and waitstaff go to the same class called ‘When to Ask Questions’
The nice part about living in a small town is that when you don’t know what you are doing, someone else does!
Barbies and voodoo dolls are not interchangeable. I know this. My daughter knows this.
My daughter’s enemies? You better believe they know this.
They say you don’t get a second chance to make a first impression.
I say “then what is this memory eraser gun for?!”
My kids said I don’t scare them so I just threatened to replace their phones with a set of encyclopedias and now everyone is crying.
This whole year with my family has given me whatever the opposite of Stockholm Syndrome is.
“SOMEONE IS VAPING”
911: Stay calm, were tracing it
“HURRY”
911: THE VAPING IS COMIN FROM INSIDE THE HOUSE
“OMG”
911: GET OUT GET OUT
Kids make friends in 5 seconds, adults make friends in 5 drinks.
I’m going to stop doing any exercise that stimulates my muscles so I can finally be atrophy wife.
Bed salesman: I know it’s a lot of money but you spend 35% of your life on it.
Me: 35%?!?… amateur
My neighbor just snapped his fingers at me to get my attention.
In related news, hiding a dead body is not as easy as you think.
There’s never enough good news