I was homeschooled so my back to school pics were of me standing in front of the house before I went back inside.
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Me: Our kids are finally at an age where we can sleep in on week-
Youth sports: Let me stop you right there.
After 10 years of appointments, I know about everything about my dental hygienist, the only thing she knows about me is “hyugh.”
At the age where a big break could mean either my career or a hip
I use the incognito browser to search how to do the things I told my wife I know how to do
All my life choices led me to this moment right here, and if that’s not an indictment of free will, I don’t know what is.
GF: “You’re cute when you’re drunk”
Me: “You’re cute when I’m drunk too”
Proud of my teen for keeping a straight face when she told her friend I’m 25. That friend’s gonna have some questions, but that’s what she gets for asking my age.
Reporter 1: see Argentina needs to score here because if not they lose
Reporter 2: so true jon. So true
My top 3 assumptions when doorbell rings:
1. Murderer
2. Police telling me everyone is dead
3. That book I ordered about positive thinking
Me: Go clean your room.
10: No, thanks. It’s not Mother’s Day yet.
I thought I was being clever, putting the litter box on wheels so I could slide it out from under the stairs, but I have inadvertently created a Mad Max-esque vehicle which my cat uses to roll around the house, dragging himself with his front paws, the entire time shitting.
Twitter is great because it allows me to show off my hilarious mind without showing off my hilarious body…
cow: [feeling sick] i have four stomachaches
me: [tossing life preserver to my grandfather]
him: [on deathbed] NURSE
peanut butter toast, simultaneously an underrated food and the majority of my genetic makeup
*sends you a 13-page love letter & introduces you to my parents in order to scare your hiccups away*
*you’re cured*
Her: What’s that account pin again?
Me: 051598
Her: Our wedding anniversary?
Me: Yes…they recommended for security purposes that I pick a number that’s insignificant.
Her:
Me: (immediately starts vacuuming)
me: wow you sure are playing hard to get
after-school appointment at my kid’s dentist: *blushes* oh you
Sick of your relatives? Just start coughing, they’ll clear out in no time
Me teaching Wilderness Survival Class:
“OK EVERYBODY WATCH CAREFULLY AS I DRIVE *AWAY* FROM THE WILDERNESS.”
All these pregnancy photos are so annoying. It’s like, “Ugh, we get it, you ate a baby.”
[Weights bench at the gym]
ME: …327…328…329…
PERSONAL TRAINER: Can you please stop counting ceiling tiles and do some exercise
Any house is an Airbnb if you’re quiet enough
Just once I’d like to see 25 tiny cars come out of a clown.
My wife suggested we go to the pub separately & relive our 1st date.
So she walked over to me and said “can I buy you a drink?”
I replied “sorry I’m married.”
[After leaving Willy Wonka’s factory]
ME:
WIFE:
ME:
WIFE:
ME:
WIFE: Lot of deaths for a to—
ME: A LOT of deaths for a tour!
{4 turtles are stuck on their backs.}
Cop: What’s going on here?
Me: Snow angel contest for free pizza.
Cop: …Who’s winning?
Me: Shredder.
I need to make my kids understand that I’m not staff, I’m management.
🤣dope
I like to play fetch with my cat….which, you know, is just me throwing stuff, followed by disappointment.