i say she should just show up at they olympics and run anyway… who gonna catch her?
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it’s so important we compare women to other women because in the end, as we all know, there can only be one woman
Running is the best way to remind yourself how much you love sitting.
“Spring is in the air” I proclaim as I hurl a Slinky at your head.
an artist’s interpretation of the moment I realized there was no cat food in the cupboard
RT if you could go either way.
Drinking 8 to 12 glasses of water a day is good for you because you spend more time in the bathroom and less time at your job.
Hypnotist: you’re feeling very sleepy
Parents: omg yes
Nothing says you don’t trust your family like pre-payment of your funeral
Is fake venison called venisn’t
*blasts Ride of the Valkyries as I fly over your house pooping*
SCARECROW: If I only had a brain
DOROTHY: I just want to get back to Kansas
TOTO: It’s gonna take a lot to drag me away from you
Of course I don’t have any skeletons in my closet
I know how to dissolve bones I’m not an amateur
June 1885 – The Statue Of Liberty arrives in the U.S. in 350 pieces with no instructions.
Future IKEA magnate: “That gives me an idea.”
Movie idea: Channing Tatum and Chris Hemsworth are called on by the US government to take their shirts off and punch people who read books.
Her: I haven’t had sex in so long, I miss it
Me: Well we could…
Her: Not that much.
If only we’d had some kind of warning that a pandemic would pandemic.
[reverse psychology résumé]
Education: Arcane
Experience: You can’t afford me
Special Skills: (redacted)
My mom says she hates boxed wine because she can’t tell how much she’s drank. I’m glad I got her eyes instead of her sensibility.
“you recording!?”
Me: I could tell you, but I’d have to-
Him: Kill me? hahaha
Me: No, talk to you. And I don’t wanna do that.
They invented the word metallic, because irony was already taken.
Me: Ugh I’ve gained so much weight
Him: It’s ok, babe
Me: [my eyes turn black as the sky darkens; a swarm of locusts encircle us; a priest faints and a demonic voice exits my mouth uttering a simple sound] Oh?
When your man makes a valid point
Some coworkers sign emails with “cheers” or “sincerely” followed by their names but I typically use “you’ve made a powerful enemy today.”
I was bitten by a crow, since then I’ve had the proportionate strength, speed, and agility of a guy who is bleeding from the head a bit
At my age, “getting lucky” means being able to find my car in the parking lot.
Millennials complain a lot about how we can’t afford homes or retirement savings like our parents, but we have a lot of things they didn’t…like GPS, food allergies, adult acne, side hustles, and fluency in mental health terminology.
My son just chose his university, which means for the next five years I’ll have two kids attending college.
Naturally, this morning I did some financial planning…marking the convenience stores I plan to rob.
My sign? I’m a Zebra, no grey areas for me.
Narrator: Ursula was indeed a Libra. She often confused astrology with zoology.
*the night I met my spouse*
Me: I don’t usually do this.
*present day, as the kids binge YouTube*
Me: I don’t usually do this.