me: damn, can’t use the gps, my phone is dead
friend: it’s cool, we have a map
me: nice, we can find a place to charge my phone
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Baller is short for ballerina
I love the word placebo, but it lacks something
No thanks, Genie. I’m not falling for the old “rub the magic lamp” trick again.
Everybody looks down on Pinterest until they need a good recipe for homemade organic edible panties.
time to go viral by writing an obvious thing in all caps a bunch of times.
repeat after me.
IT’S WRONG TO MICROWAVE A CHILD.
IT’S WRONG TO MICROWAVE A CHILD.
IT’S WRONG TO MICROWAVE A CHILD.
IT’S WRONG TO MICROWAVE A CHILD.
IT’S WRONG TO MICROWAVE A CHILD.
Anyone interested in a 4 year old whose new hobby is wall art? Porch pickup only.
Her: I think my boyfriend’s cheating.
Friend: Oh no! Why do you say that?
Her: He’s passing his exams but he never studies.
If Pokémon has taught me anything it’s that most of life’s problems can be solved by owning a rat that can electrocute people
Sister: “Family shot time”
Me: “Whooo Hoooo….drink drink drink drink!”
Sister: [holds up camera]
“I want to take a picture”Me: oh
I don’t delete my bad tweets because why should I suffer alone.
*makes graveyard even scarier by carving all the tombstones into shark fins*
some stupid little amoeba decided to leave the ocean a billion years ago and now i have to worry that tomorrow is monday
I didn’t mean to knock your toddler down at the mall today…
I just wanted to be first on Santa’s lap before he got peed on.
I had a sex dream about my wife last night…except her hair was black instead of blonde…and she looked a lot like my hot neighbor Karen.
[fumbling with my phone as I’m being murdered]
ME: *takes picture of my home screen*
My sex drive has a dui
You know those books that sit there unread on your night stand? Take them with you on vacation so they can remain unread in a sunny locale.
I gave birth to two human beings, yet I’m in awe that I’m growing a plant out of a sweet potato.
One man’s girlfriend is another man’s Twitter password.
She’s a 10 which makes it hard for her to find decent shoes.
* trimming my toenails
Smartwatch: you are exceeding your usual amount of activity, good job!
you’re fasting for lent, I’m furiousing for lent; we are not the same
fruit vendors are just vegan butchers.
I’m not saying I’m going to become a heart surgeon or anything but I DID just open the beginning of a new toilet paper roll with no rips.
Them: You’re burnt out.
Me: Yes.T: You need a break
M: Yes.T: I’m worried.
M: Okay. Will you watch my kids for a minute?T: Hell no.
Your password must contain a character still living in Game of Thrones
******
Password expired
******
Password expired
******
Password ex…
I can never find my cars keys but I won’t forget that time you checked out another woman at the mall four years ago.
My wife and I role play “The Fast and the Furious” in bed. Me and her, respectively.
Awww. It looks like the neighbors are having the police dept over for brunch..