Why do people apologize when their dog runs up to you? You could stuff your dog down the back of my shirt and I’d give you a dollar
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“Catch me if you can, officer.”
*Seductively winks.*screams as police dog takes me down.
I give new meaning to the word “awesome.”
At least I did when I changed the Wikipedia entry.
Every time someone thinks I’m younger than I am, an angel gets cake
Therapist: How does that make you feel?
Me: Like I want to stab someone.
Therapist: That’s an action, lets focus on a feeling word.
Me: Like if I don’t get to stab someone I will be sad.
Wife: We named you after Grandma
Me: Yes that was my idea!
Grandma: They all laugh at me at school
villain: ironic that the one who shot you is your English professor!
me *dying*: actually it’s coincidental
v *tearing up*: …you passed
me: who’s a good boy?!?! you are!! the best boy!! such a good boy!!
My boyfriend handing me my takeout: can you stop doing this
People who use any other buttons on your microwave besides 30 Seconds default one, explain yourselves!
my dad put my photo on milk cartons when i went missing because he didn’t want vegans looking for his son
After just 1 hour of watching grandkids, my Fitbit called 911.
“have you heard about the Nu covid variant”
“no, what’s it called?”
“the Nu variant”
“yeah what’s it called”
“no, it’s literally spelled N U, Nu”
“haha wow, who named it that?”
“yes”
Emotional Fruit:
The Grapes of Wrath
The Apples of Annoyance
The Cantaloupes of Cantankerousness
The Plums of Pique
The Raspberries of Rage
The Bananas of Just Really Happy to See You
Godspeed to the gal in front of me at the pharmacy getting a Plan B, at-home COVID test, and two Red Bulls.
Whenever I hear “let me tell you the truth”, I secretly cross my fingers, hoping they say “brownies are healthy, eat as many as you want.”
Give a man a fish & he’ll be all “WTF are you giving me a fish for? That’s weird” Teach a man to fish & he’ll be all “Again with the fish?”
Sometimes I think I am pretty smart and then I try to breathe my own saliva.
Took my kids’ car seats out to clean them. Found a whole box of Cheerios & 2 buckets of sand.
December has 5 Saturdays.
FIVE.
That November salary will be fighting for its life.
You had me at Whipped Cream Vodka.
Teen boys either use a whole can of axe body spray or none at all. There’s no in between.
Brought a stapler to a gun fight and now everyone is neatly organized into piles of corpses and sorted by height. The police will be pleased
*ninja group therapy
Therapist: Nobody showed up *again*?!
Him: Maybe you should start counting your calories
Me: Maybe you should start counting your days
ME: *barging into office* Now hear me out
DENTIST: You again? No I can’t make your teeth taste like chips
ME: *being carried out by 2 hygienists* CAN’T OR WON’T
The best thing people can do in a bear attack is break down emotional barriers.
Convince the bear she’s loved and has value.
Compliment her commitment to her cubs.
“Raising kids AND hunting? How do u find the time?” is a fantastic ice breaker.
I Just Watched The Simpsons For The First Time. Bart’s Grades Are… Disturbing
You ever not fold your laundry for so long by the time you get around to it, none of the baby clothes fit the baby anymore?
Just spent 15 minutes on my knees.
Now, the bathtub is spotless.
me: I don’t negotiate with terrorists
wife: she’s three
me: I don’t care how many she is
My friend sent me a picture of her baby and I don’t have a baby so I just sent her back a picture of a steak I cooked once.