I sent my boyfriend a picture of my taco. Yeah, he was disappointed that wasn’t a euphemism as well.
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like a moth to a flame or a human to a refrigerator light bulb.
I let my toddler play with my phone today so now everything is in Spanish and I have 273 pictures of her left hand
Accidentally got in the 10 items or less line with 11 items again, so I made two separate transactions so I wouldn’t piss anyone off.
Me: *disappointed* so an oral argument isn’t having make up sex after a row?
Lawyer:
So we can play bumper cars with an asteroid for funsies, but I do it once with a cop car and it’s a whole thing
One of the coolest things about superhero films is that they can be any genre.
Science fiction? Guardians of the Galaxy.
Fantasy? Doctor Strange.
Sleep aid? Eternals.
When apologizing, it’s important to not let them see your fingers are crossed. I know that now.
Keanu Reeves stuck motionless on a horse forever because every time it starts to move he goes “whoa”.
[first date]
Me: I collect taxidermy
Him: Really, taxidermy?
Me: It’s a family thing[later, at my place]
Me: Feel free to hang your coat on my stepmom
I’d rather go liquor treating.
When people ask me why I’m “confined” to a wheelchair, it makes it sound like a prison sentence. I want to say something like, “I ate too many free samples at Costco. I’ll be out in seven months.”
I like to think I’m in charge but then one sad look from my child finds me gently disposing of a dead yard mouse in a nice bag on a carefully arranged bed of leaves
[ER]
Dr: …major cardiac event, you must improve your diet
Me: But I eat tons of fruit and veg
D: Such as?
M: I have ketchup on everything, salad in burgers, pineapple on pizza, a Bloody Mary at breakf—
D: *switching off life support* Nurse, record time of death as imminent
Marriage is telling your partner they’re wrong but in an optimistic way.
Girl, same.
How much do you want to bet that the inventor of the Lazy Susan has an ex-wife named Susan?
I’m ashamed how many times Google’s had to correct my spelling. Yes Google, I meant Shih Tzu not shits zoo.
Did someone text back with just “K”? You know what you should do? Stop texting them dumb shit.
Mission: Impossible
After my upteenth gentle attempt to express my disinterest in the subject matter:
“pardon me, but what sequence of words can I use to end this conversation?” “
I’m an old soul. I know this because when my ex left me she kept saying I was “real mature” while rolling her eyes in admiration.
therapist: im glad u overcame ur fear of snakes and all but-
me, with a snake: ur gonna say i shouldn’t have married this snake aren’t u
Call any time! *terms and conditions apply
me at the door waiting for my grubhub chicky wings
found out about a magic tournement where a guy on shrooms won the whole thing and can’t get over this pic they took of the top 8
Walking around the house looking for my coffee that’s already in my hand doesn’t mean I’m losing my mind.
It means I’m a parent.
WIFE: I think he’s in a midlife crisis
“Why, did he buy a new car?”
WIFE: not yet
[I pull up on a sleigh pulled by roughly 1000 raccoons]
My daughter complained we were out of snacks so I lifted the couch cushions.
Ke$ha looks like a character I would select in Mortal Kombat