My kid asked where babies come from and I said everywhere, man, they’re worldwide.
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A co-worker is retiring, so they’re passing a card around filled with cash. I only took $10 but normally my signature is worth much more.
I was up all night reading about insomnia
The woman at the table next to me has been whining and complaining about her boyfriend for the last 20 minutes.
I’m not even in the relationship and I’ve broken up with her 4 times in my mind.
[at a funeral home]
ME: One death please
Sometimes nothing goes well. Other times you draw a mustache on a photo as a revenge, and the person on the photo sees it and to your surprise actually grows a mustache because he liked it
*3yo’s birthday*
Me: happy birthday, can you blow the candles out?
3yo: ok *blows hard*
Me: great job
3yo: great blow job
Me:
3yo: ?
Me: …. just eat the cake
If you’re doing parenting right, you’re running a jail or you’re an enforcer for the mafia. There’s no in between.
me, speaking to my daughter’s class on the importance of eating your vitamins: one time i got lost in the forest for so long i dropped dead & a sheepdog ate my carcass.
some smart aleck kid: if you died then how are you here right now?
me: {i look him square in the eyes} vitamins
It’s my birthday eve, when Birthday Claus comes down the chimney and leaves me three additional wrinkles, two new mysterious body aches, and a skin tag.
My son just said he’s going to call me “Squishy” to match my stomach and now I need to have another kid just so I can have a favorite
My wife often wishes she could use a remote to mute me but the joke would be on her. I’m even more annoying in closed captions.
You do you.
I’m gonna do me.
*married sex
Be the reason they start searching bags for googly eyes at the entrance to your local zoo
Waiter, Waiter, my date spilled her water.
No problem, I’ll get you another one.
Thanks, but make sure she likes football.
#WaiterJokes #RubbishJokes #Puns #DadJokes
[God creating cats]
God: people will wanna hug ’em, but they usually won’t want you to
Whenever I see an empty pizza box in a neighbor’s garbage can, I get jealous someone had a better night than I did.
Her: I dreamt I was being murdered.
Me: Was I the one who was murdering you?
Her: No.
Me: (Sigh) Well, was I helping in any way at all?
Buy living room furniture that matches your pet’s hair because, work smarter not harder.
Me, yelling my head off every day.
14 yo son: Sorry, I didn’t hear you.Pizza delivery driver exhales at front door two floors down from bedroom.
14 yo: Pizza’s here.
Rethinking this whole Mastodon thing
My 7-year-old texted me to ask when my birthday is, which would be cute except I think she’s trying to steal my identity.
*tries to throw a cotton ball really hard over and over again*
holy crap!! when I said “take care of them” I meant snacks & drinks
I was a professional waxer for four years till the law shut me down for naming my shop Smoothie King.
When one door closes, I lock it.
I’m not chancing someone else getting in.
parents: a large old man with white hair is going to break into the house while you’re sleeping and give you toys
kids: oh worddddd
Once I heard a guy who climbed Everest say he did it, “Because it was there” and I just feel like the reason for undertaking one of the most strenuous feats in human existence should be different than the reason I ate an entire gallon of ice cream.
The only difference between a yard sale and a trash pickup is how close to the street the crap is placed.