[looking up at night sky]
Girl: The Milky Way and Mars have always fascinated me.
Boy: *trying to impress* Yes, and I also enjoy Snickers.
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I took my toddler on a 2 mile hike so confident it would tire him out, we finally made it back to our car and he asked if we could go one more time.
[from under your bed]
Babe, are you mad at me?
I wanted a 6 pack, so I started Hip Hop abs.
Quit 1/3 of the way through.
Ended up with a 2Pac.
Sometimes I put a cashew in my mouth for the dentist to find.
When people are trending on twitter, I know that they died or said something racist.
Washing machine doesn’t give a shit
One minute she’s saying “put yourself in my shoes” and the next it’s all “well you’ve gone and ruined them now, you idiot”
Keep yourself entertained during quarantine by taking daily mail comments and putting them on New Yorker cartoons to create your own satirical comics.
[1st day working at appliance store]
CUSTOMER: How do I turn this dishwasher on?
ME: *leans in close and whispers* Foreplay
I miss walking my dog on July 5th, wondering if I’ll have to wrestle a blown off finger from him.
[at the gym]
Body builder: how much can you curl?
Me: *smugly* I can do a 9 inch ribbon
uber driver heard me singing along and changed the station…
sperm bank employee: is he [ear to the wall] is he listening to the full house theme song
sometimes if i’m having trouble falling asleep i just pretend i’m watching lord of the rings
Time for evil
“How did your grammar competition go?”
I losed
One day, thousands of years from now, archaeologists will dig up my dead body and be like, “She’s been lying on top of the remote this entire time.”
What kind of rifle do comedians use?
JK47’s.
Shoot me.
Q. Why are ghostbusters afraid of bridges over small rivers?
A. Because they’re not supposed to cross the streams
Me: I hate how someone keeps putting advertising flyers on my windshield and forcing me to throw them away.
Friend: Flyers for what?
Me: Some club called VIOLATION.
“Sir, are you interested in the satellite radio upgrade?”
…uhhhh, for driving in space?
THE SHINING (1980): An oblivious pair of incessant chatterboxes are finally taught to respect the sanctity of a writer’s space.
Me: I don’t get it, I was just standing here, hard at work
HR: Yes, that was the problem.
*while scrolling Facebook
I’m so glad Congress is going to make Facebook protect my data!
*clicks on “What Harry Potter character is your social security number?”
People in 2050 be like “your boyfriend broke up with you? Don’t worry, there is plenty of plastic in the sea.”
[Car dealership]
Me: *taps glove box* How ’bout this one?
Salesman: Sir, we’ve been over this, I don’t know how many McNuggets it will hold.
Interviewer: It says here you have advanced math skills. How many times have you used them at work?
Me: *holds up fingers* This many.
When I’m in a bathroom stall, please don’t yell “Oh my God oh my God there’s a guy in here!” Respect my privacy.
I’m supposed to be Gen-X but I feel like Gen-FML is more fitting.
The worst thing about coming home from a trip isn’t unpacking, it’s the looming threat of nuclear war