Eclipse is too dangerous for my eyes. I’m going to stare at 11-point font google docs on my smartphone all day instead.
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Wife: can you pick up milk on your way home
Me: can’t he just get a ride home with friends
Wife: again, our son’s name is not Milk
guy inventing constellations: see that square? it’s a fish
tornados are just a bunch of ghosts fighting over a cow.
*sees other guys posting photos of their abs*
*posts photo of me washing dishes*
*gets hit on by every woman on the internet*
Me: So how are you going to finance your second year of college?
Daughter: *drops a “Swear Jar” onto the counter*
DR DOG: *applying a cast to a broken bone* Are you sure you don’t just want me to cut it off?
I was raised by wolves
I was then lowered by bearsThey really should only have one species of animal operating these cranes
According to this frozen pizza box I’m a family of 4
I told my wife that she was sounding like her mother and I realized that was a mistake after I regained consciousness.
My friend keeps saying that every time he goes to Taco Bell he gets diarrhea.
I said, try ordering Tacos instead.
Walking around naked is a great motivator to get back to the gym
[Dinner with GFs parents]
*Does shadow puppet of a bird*
“Thats great but I asked what you do for a living?”
Um *smooths tie* I’m unemployed
If you are thinking about becoming a parent, you should know that my son has decided he likes dipping his fries in ketchup and then MILK
WIFE: omg someone’s broken in!
ME *bravely grabs baseball bat from under the bed* wait here[downstairs]
FRIEND: Can’t you just tell her you want to play baseball?
ME: Keep your voice down
If it looks like I’m typing for five minutes I’m really just trying to spell diarrhea.
ME: how old is your son?
WOMAN WHO STILL CAN’T ACCEPT THAT HER BABY HAS GROWN UP AND MOVED OUT: 288 months
“THIS IS NOT A DRILL. I REPEAT, THIS IS NOT A DRILL”
– when Dad gave me a DIY lesson
Told my kid in my day, if I missed an episode of a show, might have wait years to see it again
He looked at me like I’d just showed him prison tattoos
Wait. Those Nigerian girls are still missing??
What about that really cool hashtag we made?
They didn’t free them when they saw it??
The houseplant died inside, so I threw it out, and now it’s growing in the driveway just to spite me.
Eating chips and watching TV annoys me because of the loud crunching noise. Then I realize I’m eating chips and watching TV and I’m not annoyed anymore.
I like crazy people until they notice me
Hot tip: Apparently it’s frowned upon to make the sound effect tssst when being blessed by a priest
I’ve said it before and I’ll say it again bc I have a terrible memory
Me: Don’t forget we’re wearing matching costumes for Halloween.
Husband: Great! What should we be?
Me: I meant me and the dog.
Husband: Of course you did.
me: congrats, when is the baby due
pregnant librarian: oh it’s mine i get to keep it
Genie: *rubbing temples* you could have just asked for $300 in one wish
[after getting pulled over]
cop: are you registered
me: i don’t vote
cop: i meant the car
me: no it doesn’t vote either
I moved to this city ten years ago with nothing more than the money in my pocket and a debit card that gave me access to the rest of my money which was in a bank.
My grandfather tried to warn them about the Titanic. He screamed and shouted about the iceberg and how the ship was going to sink, but all they did was throw him out of the theater.