“conference” comes from the Latin “con” meaning “together with” and “ference” meaning “the worst people on earth”
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It’s that time of the year when you are equally sweaty 2 minutes before and after shower.
H: You’re a narcissist.
Me: But I’m pretty, right?
H: Not my type.
Me: Funny?
H: Annoying.
M: The MOST annoying?
H: Yes,
M: I’ll take it.
I feel sorry for all those girls bragging that they don’t have a gag reflex. They’ll probably die choking on an Olive Garden bread stick.
8-year-old: I’m glad it’s the weekend.
Me: You were only at school for two days.
8: You weren’t there.
You know you’re getting old when you’re watching the Teenage Mutant Ninja Turtles and wondering if they get enough vitamin D.
*quietly tries to open bag of chips while fiancé is reading her wedding vows*
My favorite oxymorons:
1. Jumbo shrimp.
2. Act natural.
3. Boneless ribs.
4. Civil war.
5. Freezer burn.
6. Adult male.
7. Happy marriage.
My kid spent a long time washing kinetic sand off his hands, so now he’s clean, but the bathroom looks like it went to a rave on a beach
Me, bright eyed, eager to follow the rules:
should I remove my necklace?TSA agent: … what… is it.
Me, smiling hard, too awake, excited to share:
It’s a tiny harmonica!TSA agent:
*closes eyes for a long time, her weariness meant for an entire generation.* JUST GO.
I would request a bunch of Ambien as my last meal so I would look hardcore as hell by falling asleep at my own execution
Romeo: I lost my cow
Juliet: wherefore art cow Romeo?
Gave my Dad a ouija board so we can keep in touch after he gave my Mom a vacuum for her birthday
My kid threatened to hold her breath until I gave her dessert. She’s now passed out on the kitchen floor. I don’t negotiate with terrorists.
Our dog snores so loud we had to rename him Grandpa
Pro Tip: If you are under the age of 35, don’t get married. If you are over 35, don’t get married. If you are 35, don’t get married.
i got 100% on my daughters assignment.
I talk a lot of shit for someone who just climbed out my passenger side door because there was a wasp on my window.
People are less likely to keep pinching your fries off your plate if you stab their hand with your fork.
Cats (2019)
VERY ANNOYED. My enemy keeps playing Hulk Hogan’s theme song b4 I enter rooms. People then expect Hulk Hogan & are disappointed when it’s me
professor x: what’s ur superpower
me: hindsight
professor x: that won’t help us
me: yes I see that now
If you have a horse and you didn’t name it Edgar Allan Pony, we can’t be friends.
Him “You run like a gazelle.”
Me “I’m graceful?”
Him “No. You’d be easy prey for a mountain lion.”
When abroad, James Bond is known as +44 07.
My 4yo told me to hold her baby as she walked away with her dad. My 4yo left me in a restaurant alone with a fake baby in my arms. I should’ve put the the baby down, but I didn’t. I just held it like a real baby. Why? Idk why. Parenthood is wild.
any man with a ponytail is never more than 15ft away from a katana at any given time
*jingles half the way*
It’s so annoying when you love someone and want to spend the rest of your life with them and they don’t accept your friend request.
Looking for a nice bog witch to settle down with
There’s a deaf couple fighting in the car in front of me in this parking lot & I kinda want to stay & watch because their signs are getting bigger & more yelly