Oh, you want to fight? Ok, one second *takes off glasses, removes retainer, unpins towel cape, empties snacks from pockets, sets down kitten
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How come no one in a zombie movie has ever seen a zombie movie
I ordered a high powered magnet (1000+lbs) and I think it may have gotten stuck to the delivery truck.
Congratulations on angrily speeding past me to get to the red light first. You’re special.
*First guy to make bunk beds
Hey Jim, you wanna sleep on top of me but not like on top, on top
[both me and the child chasing me with a knife slow to a walk as we go by the pool]
[First day as a crime scene photographer]
Detective: please stop telling the corpse to “work it”
took my mom to detective pikachu she said she liked the “garlic pokemon”
Army boss: ENEMIES INCOMING AT 12 O’CLOCK
Me: stop shouting, that’s over an hour from now
[doing crossword]
Me: I’m looking for a word that means slight pause
Her: Hiatus?
Me: *erasing ‘our sex life’* thanks
when it’s raining and someone texts you “are we still on for tonight?” and you say “oh, im fine either way, up to you! it’s raining lol” and then they text “okay see you tonight”
Call me old fashioned but I still drink to get drunk.
[cops knock on my door]
“Sir?”
“Nobody’s home.”
“Who said that then?”
“My dog.”
“Jesus Christ, well do u know when Mr Hughes will be back?”
Someone stole my identity. And then sent it back with $100 and a note that said “So sorry man. Hope things work out.”
1) In the interest of time, would ye noble patriots please provide a list of infractions punishable by spontaneous public execution? Thanks!
Every few weeks I login to Facebook, update my birthday to the current day, and those idiots wish me happy birthday every time.
19: ‘Um, is it weird that the milk just backed away when I reached for it?’
Me: ‘It’s fine.’
*pulls the pin on a can of Axe body spray*
*lobs it into your open car window as you drive by*
I don’t really think I know what ovulating is, but I think my friend Brian is ovulating.
Car sex – for when you want risky sex AND improve your twister game
“This sausage tastes funny.”
“Funny how? Like it’s made from a clown? Because it’s not. It’s absolutely not clown sausage.”
I gotta go grocery shopping. I’m the only snack left in the house.
Don’t mess with grandma when her bodyguard is near.
ME: [throws rock into ocean] Take THAT, ecosystem!
ECOSYSTEM: [undergoes incremental biological changes over millions of years]
ME: Oh shiii
Me: My doctor says I need urgent surgery.
Friend: Oh my god! I’m so sorry. What kind?
Me: Cosmetic.
*slips seductively out of shorts*
You know what that means…
*sleeps soundly for 7 hours*
*drools a little*
Somewhere a guitarist sets down his instrument, pours gas on it, & lights it ablaze while Miley Cyrus naked on a wrecking ball shoots to #1.
Job interviewer: So do you have any people skills?
Me: Eleven confirmed
JI: What?
Me: What?
My quest began, passing through the forest of enlightenment, ascending the mount of discovery, galloping over the fields of ruin, and I reached the sacred place. Why is the taco bell toilet so far from the serving area anyway
Just blew up my daughter’s beach ball by mouth & I’m afraid this beach ball would not pass a sobriety test.
Today I learned not all people are appreciative of vetriloquism. Especially my gynecologist.