Everyone is always doing laundry
*changes name to laundry
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I surprised a raccoon in my garage this morning, and now he’s telling his friends he made a human run into a wall.
I’m sitting here watching this married couple argue in this restaurant. Then their 8 year old says “oh great, dinner and a show.” Priceless.
Give a man a fish and he’ll be like,
“Dude I’m allergic to fish.”
TEACH a man to fish and he’ll be like,
“THTOP I THAID IM ALLERGIC TO FITH”
My husband pissed me off today so I told him that I can’t wait to see what he had planned for our special day tomorrow
There is nothing special about tomorrow
But there is something special about watching the color leave his face as the panic takes over
awkardly looking around the applebees bar & grill for my tidner date whose profile picture is waluigi
My neighbor told me to close the curtains when I’m naked, but then I don’t get that cool sensation of pressing up against the window glass
Me: *wandering around ‘Free Speech’ rally* “Hey, when do they give out the peaches?! Anyone?!”
OMG, he’s almost here.
How’s my hair?
My clothes?
How do I look?(knock, knock)
He’s here!!!!
I’m so excited!*My pizza delivery guy.
Dog (curled up, napping): I never poop on the carpet and I love cats.
Wife: Is the dog talking in its sleep?
“Shhh let sleeping dogs lie.”
I need a hobby. I’ve been over on Insta, commenting ‘what kind of dog is this?’ On people’s bird pics.
[I open my lunchbox at work to find an apple]
“But that means…”
[Cut to Isaac Newton in 1666, jumping up from under a tree while wiping cold spaghetti out of his eyes]
Stop blaming politicians and start blaming the fortune tellers. They knew, and they did nothing.
[getting arrested after heist]
Boss: What happened? You were supposed to be on lookout
Me: *flashback to me sending invites on outlook* you’re not gonna believe this
People in Arab nations are still wondering what all the western world hub bub about hump day and camel toe is about.
Me: Look to my left.
Friend: We’re facing the same way. Why don’t you say our left?
Me: I don’t like to share.
Sorry I disappeared for 3 years. I was putting my jeans on.
Latest election news: Donald Trump narrowly leads Hillary Clinton by 4 lies.
Don’t let people push you around. Unless it’s in a wagon, because that shit is fun!
I’m perfectly happy to listen to the opinion of anyone who agrees with me.
*walks into business conference*
*everyone stares and gasps because I have a hotel coffee cup instead of Starbucks*
*one lady starts crying and gives me her cup*
Me: How was school today?
Child: Awful.
Me: Why?
Child: You can’t have a good day at school.
Me: What? Why not?
Child: Hey dad, how was work today?
Me: Oh ok I see what you’re saying.
What’s that Hitchcock movie with all the birds in it? The Man Who Flew Too Much? To Hatch a Thief? Suspigeon? Birdigo?
I told my 2.5yo we were looking for a house with three bedrooms, a room for him, his sister, and us.
Him: I want five bedrooms.
Me: why? So we can have more kids?
Him: No. More parents.
I saw her biting her bottom lip so I threw her a cupcake. Poor girl must have been starving.
My general rule about animals is if I can catch it, I can pet it. If it can catch me…well, I’ll get a few pets in first.
They make SAVORY soup now? No more dessert soup for me!
this FaceApp is creepy af
Boss: You’re always late…
Me: You are totally obsessed with me aren’t you
Volkswagen Italy, please never change your Instagram handle.
They grow up so fast. My nephew lost his first tooth Saturday night
In a fight a with a bouncer