When the cashier at PetSmart asked me for my phone number I said it loud enough for the hot guy behind me in line to hear.
I might have repeated it.
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Movie Idea:
Lohan.
Bynes.
Statham.
DEATH RACE 2
I cough whenever I answer the phone so people know not to invite me to anything.
Be nice to a nerd. Prevent a supervillain.
A cool thing about kids is how they make you keep an open mind, like when your 3 year old wakes you up to ask “What if we were hotdogs?” and you’re like, oh damn what if
My husband’s solution to us running out of clean cups was to buy more cups. Because not having enough cups was the problem.
I opened wordle to play while waiting for the bus, and force of habit, I pulled my pants down cause I’m so used to playing it on the toilet
I was mowing the lawn, hit a small rock and it went flying and hit something to the side of me, I looked over and the neighbor’s car had a small dent, I was going to go tell him but then I thought no I better not, he may think I did it.
is it possible to write a slack bot that will automatically replace “huddle” with “cuddle” as a fun prank?
the answer is yes, yes of course. The good folks at HR heard about it and now they want to see me! gonna cuddle with them first thing tomorrow. what fun.
Them: what part of your morning routine takes the longest ?
Me: finding the will to get up
me: my cup runneth over…
sperm bank receptionist: please take that off the counter.
[first weekend away from the kids]
ME: lemme sleep 5 more minutes
PRISON GUARD: ma’am your husband posted bail Friday
Told my friends that I was qualified to give them Botox injections. I raised a few eyebrows.
Came home to find our Roomba had gone rogue, stolen our bath mat and crashed into a wall, before giving up and dying
quite the party
Me: One time I ended up in the changing rooms at a football match in London and caught a glimpse of a naked footballer
Friend: Arsenal?
Me: No, just the front
I was watching a show for about 10 minutes, and this lady was listing all of these great things to do for fun. Then I realized that it’s one of the religious channels, and she was reading a list of sins
*Lady gives balloon to my son*
ME: What do u say?
SON: I WILL CRUSH MY ENEMIES
ME: *nervous laughter* No, the other thing
SON: Oh. Thank you
5: I want to do something no one else has ever done.
Me: Help me clean?
5: No. Something fun.
Whoever came up with the idea of pills for cats never met a cat
Forget my browser history, when I finally pass from this earth, please delete my calculator history because it’s waaaay more embarrassing
Six words that strike fear in the hearts of parents everywhere:
You’ve been volunteered as a chaperone
How my 7 year old plays board games:
Rolls a 6.
Counts to 6.
Moves his piece wherever he wants.
French toast is just bread that bathes in milk like some pampered Egyptian queen.
I have a horrible memory, unless we’re discussing something you did wrong.
I hate dealing with fresh garlic. Each individual clove with their little f***ing paperwork.
A selfie stick is very useful…..
.. as a prod to keep people out of your personal space.
Cashier: haha that’s a lotta candy, getting ready for Halloween early eh
Me:…
Cashier:…
Me:…
Cashier:…
Me: yep
inventor of the sauna: it’s a box and it makes you want to die of heat and dehydration, like microdosing dying in a desert
Mr. Smith: My family names goes back to my ancestor that was a blacksmith.
Mr. Carpenter: Mine goes back to an ancestor that was a woodworker.
Mr. Dickinson: Mine goes back to an ancestor we no longer speak of
I like telling car salesmen “Listen, we both know I’m not here to buy a car” and trying to figure out what it is they think I’m there to do
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