It’s scary what’s happening. People who, only 5 years ago, were 25 or 27 at most, are now 30 and in some cases even 33 years old
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[Prison visit]
Me: I finally have a date for my execution
GF: WHO IS SHE
If you ever hear a parent say, “oh, good! it comes with glitter!” know that it is not, in fact, good.
Anyone else’s phone make a retching noise when you unlock it with face ID?
*Wildebeest film crew clatters into David Attenborough’s bedroom*
ATTENBOROUGH: What the-
WILDEBEEST DIRECTOR: HOW DO YOU LIKE IT DAVID
Growing up, I had lots of nicknames but my best would always be ‘Officer! That’s him over there’… It gave me my sprinter’s physique.
Pirates that used X to mark the spot were stupid. If they had used a G, nobody would ever have found their treasure.
I haven’t ordered anything from Amazon in a week, and they just sent local law enforcement by the house to do a welfare check.
I’m so mad I put my fist through a wall. I HATE BEING A GHOST
Kids today have no idea how good they have it. They’ve got fancy electronics, cartoons on tv every day, and even tooth colored fillings.
If you live in an apartment in NYC you’re already part of the tiny house movement. You’re just in denial and paying too much.
The opposite of Lorelai is Loretellsthetruth,
Girl, are you an umbrella? Because you’re never with me when I need you & I’ve forgotten you at a restaurant 4 or 5 times.
$20 to go through a corn maze? That’s $20 more than I expect to pay for a walk through vegetables.
We all expected the zombie apocalypse. No one would’ve/could’ve imagined the covid 19 and TP wars of 2020.
a deranged scientist in every rickety old house on top of every hill on the outskirts of every town. that’s my promise, should i be elected
Go buy a burrito, leave it in your fridge, get drunk, come home and be your own best secret admirer.
My husband says I’m addicted to spending money on pointless things. So I bought him a Llama to cheer him up.
If you were forced at gunpoint to either watch ’50 Shades Of Grey’ or read the book, what type of gun would you prefer to be shot dead with?
I’m a low maintenance girlfriend. Just bring me a bouquet of cats.
My kid just called me by “hey you” and I saw all my other kids and the dogs turn and walk out of the room faster than they’ve ever walked before.
Not to brag, but my tweets are enjoyed by well over 3 people worldwide.
*kidnapping Beyoncé* got your Knowles
I made some fish tacos last night.
the ingrates just ignored them and swam away
[on drive home]
i cant believe you said “don’t bother” when my dad said he’d be there in spirit
“i don’t want ghosts at our wedding linda”
One day when my teenager was upset I said “It is what it is,” and now he says it to me every time I’m upset and, oh wow, it does not feel good
Me: I’m not gonna go crazy this year
Also me: cooks 85 dishes for Thanksgiving and wonders why there are so many leftovers
I refuse to eat pound cake or go to yard sales. It’s metric system or gtfo.
Don’t judge me for my 2-year-old having a pacifier in her mouth.
Judge me for not having any idea where this pacifier came from.
*adds 50lb of bird seed to cart*
Acme online: people who buy this also buy
– bird-feeder
– giant mouse trap
– jet-propelled pogo stick
– painting fake tunnels for dummies
-first aid kit
– anvil
ME: *burps a little under my breath*
MY 5YO: [from 3 rooms away] say ‘excuse me’