If you watch an Apple store get robbed, are you an iWitness?
You Might Also Like
My parents kept me humble from a young age by sarcastically asking “How do you think you’re paying for that, with your good looks?”
Terrorist Threat Level: Porcupine
Don’t stand in the rain if you’re stuck in a shit storm
I open the door slowly, slipping inside. I keep a measured pace, breathing evenly, keeping my heartbeat low. Five steps, ten steps; I begin to relax. A voice calls from behind me, ”Sir?” I ignore it. “Sir, what’s that in your pants?” I walk faster. “Someone stop that man!” I run.
[In the middle of nowhere]
4: “Mommy, are there toilets on this road trip?”
… yes
“Because I’m about to poop my pants.”
Look, if I have to stop to explain the reasoning behind everything I do, I’ll never get anything done, so could you please just let me finish the construction of this banana cannon
That scene where Scar kills Mufasa only it’s me to the crumbs on my shirt
Jellyfish 1: i’m so lonely
Jellyfish 2: you should try dating
Jellyfish 1: idk maybe
Jellyfish 2: *motions to cute girl* i think she’s flirting with you
Jellyfish 1: *enamoured* who is she?
Plastic bag:
It’s crazy how my ex was so upset about losing me that he had to build a life with a new woman.
I ate a shepherd’s pie for lunch. He was pretty upset about it.
Daughter: Brings home an A+ on her presentation…
Son: Brings home 3 different hoodies he’s left at school…
Husband: Oh wow! Big day for both of you, huh?!
I think more men would go to therapy if it was competitive. “Fourteen points in healthier communication? Yes! Eat my dust, Kyle! You emotionally unavailable loser!”
Texas.
Where the vegan menu item is chicken.
How was I supposed to know unleashing 342 cats in a club would turn to bone-chilling horror the instant the disco balls started up?
Me: *eating ribs*
Morgue Attendant: *crying fearfully*
No Olympian will ever be better at medaling than the gang on Scooby Doo.
I shot a man in Reno,
Just to watch him cry.It was just a Nerf gun you big baby!
BREAKING NEWS
Justin Bieber said… And I quote, “Only God can Judge me!”
THIS JUST IN
…Apparently I’m God.
Dr: We need you to come back for additional blood work…
Me: Why, is something wrong?!
Dr: Yes. Your blood sample was mostly champagne…
Bread bowls are not dishwasher safe. I know that now.
FUN FACT: baby penguins fit perfectly into a T-shirt cannon.
Sarcasm so good, they think you’re being nice.
The wife’s clearing out the fridge before vacation so I’ve a pork chop, 3 slices of ham and 6 bacon rashers for dinner. The sad thing is knowing I can never again love her as intensely as I do right now.
My run for political office would be short but filled with food eating competitions.
[joins a conga line]
me: I can leave any time I like
[someone joins behind]
me: oh no
ME: do u like smart guys
GIRL AT BAR: yes
ME: sorry i wasted your time
you know that feeling, as a kid, you’re out shopping with your mom, and
shopkeeper, be like $1,200,
then mom, without shame, be like $17.so you jump to death from the check-out desk.
On a road trip, if you need to pee, you have two options: public restrooms or the grass. I went for grass and could see my dogs nodding their heads in solidarity
Whenever I’m upset with my dog for acting up, I remind her which one of us is the owner and then we laugh and laugh.
Friend: Why isn’t your boyfriend here to help bury this heavy carpet?
Me: ….