I saw my neighbor standing out in his yard, he was dressed in camouflage. Someone should probably let him know his camouflage is broken.
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[coworker starts talking to me at my cubicle]
Welp, nice chatting. This is my stop.
[puts in earbuds]
Cop – Have you been drinking?
Me – No, just taking my photo with R2D2 here.
Cop – Sir that’s a fire hydrant.
WAR ON XMAS BATTLE LOG:
•DAY 6
-Ate a load bearing wall in the gingerbread house.
Painting safety tip :
When house painting from a ladder,
never step back to admire your work.
Indiana Jones and that one time he went to his actual job
I get fat really quickly for someone who doesn’t want to
The key to a successful marriage is flattering your partner on what they do good.
My marriage failed because she never appreciate how good I am at ignoring her.
[police interrogation]
“What do you do for a living?”
“Drug dealer.”
“Louder, for the tape.”
[leans in]
“Bug healer. I heal bugs.”
When you make the mistake of leaving a big cozy pillow on the cat’s favorite chair, that pillow is gone daddy gone.
SOLDIER DYING IN MY ARMS: tell everyone of my bravery
[me 3 months later]
I think he had a brewery
6: What are you making? It smells terrible!
Me: *literally just boiling water*
[on plane]
Me: It’s ok, more ppl are killed by hippos than by plane crashes
Pilot: This is your captain speaking, I’m a hippo btw
Me: Nooooo
shoutout to the guy who invented the term “water resistant”. a true hall of fame lie
Where can I buy a purebred chupacabra on short notice?
A remake of The Notebook called The iPad
I could tell you the story of breaking my arm sledding but be warned, it goes downhill fast.
the concept of modeling is insane to me. “buy our clothes. here, check out how they look on someone infinitely more attractive than you, you messy slob”
morpheus: take the blue pill AND the red pill and i’ll show you how deep the rabbit hole goes
me: they both taste exactly the same
morpheus: *waving skittles packet* RIGHT?
me: OH MY GOD
i don’t trust someone who says their ideal date is a “hike”
Annual reminder.
If Christmas decorations were meant to go up in November then surely they’d be called novorations.
I wish I was as committed to anything the way infomercial actors are committed to over dramatizing their reaction to household chores.
Police officer is visiting my kid’s school.
Officer: So when things go bad, who you gonna call?
My son: *raises his hand*
Officer: Yes?
My son: Ghostbusters.
4: When will I stop growing?
Me: When you’re a grownup, like me.
4: But you still grow.
Me: No I don’t.
4: You grew too big for those pants you really like.
Me:
[My first day as a detective]
Me: It’s one way glass he can’t see you. Just point at the killer.
Witness: All I can see is our reflection.
Me: Ah, ok. Everybody swap rooms.
Me: one admission please
Movie Theater Attendant: sometimes I wear my wife’s shoes when she’s not home
When nothing is going as planned, but you’re used to it.
In a marriage it’s always a competition to see who can look busier, hence why I sighed and shook my head repeatedly while writing this.
A kickboxing class where you hit the bag with a baseball bat because I may have mild to moderate anger issues.
*First day as a boxing cornerman*
Me: So did you guys even try to talk this out first or what
[1st time meeting a friends baby]
Me to the Wife: “Our baby would kill their baby in a duel.”
Friend: “HEY! WE CAN HEAR YOU!”