My wife didn’t cover her yawn so I opened my mouth too and I totally won the silent screaming contest.
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I joined Twitter to have something to do while I waited for the repairman. It’s only been 3 years, he should be here any month now.
Products that are really small are like free samples, right?
I bought the extended play version of Layla in 1972 and it just ended
Chief cop: “This might be racially motivated.”
Ian: “Hate crime?”
Chief cop: “We all hate crime, Ian. That’s why we are cops.”
I literally got fired from a job for not knowing what to do with my hands when I talk. I guess sign language interpreting just wasn’t for me
I figured out how to eat rice cakes. You have to frost them and then dip them into marshmallow fluff. Diet food isn’t so bad.
My 4yo went through my phone and confronted me like I cheated on her, “you took a lot of pictures of this baby…”
her: why do you keep your eyes open when you kiss me?
me: bears
I saw an ad for a tree removal service with the line “We’ll come to you!” Great idea! So much more convenient than dragging my yard across town.
It’s not a War on Christmas til the first 12 foot skeleton is spotted choking out an inflatable Santa, you weirdos
Someone on Facebook sent me an invite to their Fall Tupperware party. The only way I’m going is if they’re full of food.
So we were deep in conversation about the state of political affairs, when the dog mentioned I might have taken too much cough syrup. Touché
Me: I miss you.
My hairdresser: Did you do something to your hair? Please don’t. For the love of god, everything is hard enough without that. Don’t touch it.
Me: No, I just miss —
My hairdresser: Don’t touch it.
Without Googling, can you close your laptop, drive to the beach, and throw your phone into the ocean?
Bird seed is amazing. I sprinkled some on the garden and when I checked 10 minutes later lots of new little birds had already sprung up.
ME: *gets slapped in the face by a small reptile*
“And that’s for being a jerk to your wife!”
~ Karma Chameleon
Me: It’s time to eat healthier and get in shape!
Also me: Excited my ice cream maker will be here in 2 days with Amazon Prime!
If you don’t charge your Fitbit, it can’t express disappointment in you.
If you turn the ceiling fan on high enough, you don’t have to sweep.
which department at your work thinks they know everything but constantly screws things up and why is I.T.
Got fired from my job at the asthma clinic for trying to hit on women by asking if their favorite 90s band was Weezer.
I enjoy reading, long walks on the beach, and getting myself into situations where the only way out is to fake my own death.
3am
H: *yells from bedroom*
babe, do I smell cake?
M: *not looking up, eating cake from the pan*
nope, it’s a new plug in
*sips coffee*
*thinks to myself as I walk away*
Carol seems grumpy today…
*takes another sip from Starbucks cup that says “Carol”*
Russian roulette, except it’s me sneezing three times in a row while driving
Doctor: Take this medicine. It will help with your condition.
Me: Oh, I don’t know. I don’t like the idea of taking medicine daily.
Doctor: It is also helps with weight loss.
Me: So, how many can I take in a day and still live?
Boy in the pub was telling me his job is a penguin erector so every time a plane flys over Edinburgh zoo the penguins can’t take their eyes off it and end up falling over n he just goes round picking them back up, 38 penguins 2000 flights a day
I just saw an 18 year old Girl Scout selling cookies in her uniform and I don’t know how to finish this tweet without sounding really creepy
[first day as a director]
me, right after a scene ends perfectly: aaaaaand cup
Good is the enemy of great.
Sponge is the enemy of math.
Metaphysics is the enemy of Walmart.