Hey babe, are you a voodoo doll? Because I feel like stabbing you.
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Fact: the lovable and cuddly panda bear is generally docile, but will shiv you for a can of Pringles.
customer: i would like to buy a hotdog with sauerkraut
me: sorry, we only accept cash
manager: can i talk to you
Killer: come out come out wherever you are
Me: *hiding*
Killer: omg what a cute puppy!
Me: *jumps out* i wanna see the pup…oh man
I told my 2-year-old to find her shoes
She cupped her hands & yelled “Shoes, where are you?”
I’d help her, but I want to see if this works
If looks could kill
What you say: Don’t make a mess in the bathroom.
What the child hears: There are six bottle of nail polish in the vanity drawer.
INTERVIEWER: Do you have any references?
ME: I find your lack of faith disturbing.
INTERVIEWER: What?
ME: *leans in really close* That’s a Star Wars reference.
Drink lots of muppet milk to keep your fur soft and manageable and your eyes their googliest.
It’s 3am and my neighbor across the street is sorting two garbage bins full of cabbages on his front lawn. Whatever gets you through the night, man.
guys love flexing “i’m self made” so is amoeba what’s your point
I hate when I’m in a restaurant bathroom, and I run out of toilet paper. Like my dinner guests are gonna be scared of HALF a mummy costume
Watch out, fellow motorists! I’ve got fast-food in my hand and I’m not afraid to give it my full attention.
Wife: I love that we finish each other’s-
Me: Drinks?
W: What? No. I was gonna say sentences HEY WHERE’S MY
Me: Margarita?
if an undercover cop ever tries to sell you drugs make a citizens arrest for possession with intent to sell
There’s a fine line between a mirror and the end of this rolled up dollar bill.
“Why did you leave your last job?”
-I had a typo in a tweet.
“Mistakes happen!”
-I worked for Yahoo Finance.
“Thanks for coming in. Bye”
When I was 19 I worked at Staples. They showed us an anti-union video during training. That was the day I realized it’s okay to steal from work
[commercial for evaporated milk]
IS YOUR MILK TOO WET?
….and that’s how I ended up laying on the bedroom floor with a potato stuck in my ass.
[doing crossword]
Me: I’m looking for a word that means slight pause
Her: Hiatus?
Me: *erasing ‘our sex life’* thanks
With my luck, I’ll die and get reincarnated as myself.
Got kicked out of the Navy Seals for splashing the other guys in the pool
On your deathbed tell everyone “pray for me” then make sure to leave a note to be opened after you die that says “pray harder next time”
Maybe print wouldn’t be dying if they still employed tough dirty children to yell at me to read all about it
I was so happy when I got my first washer dryer, now, 3 kids and a puppy later, nothing short of my own laundromat would excite me
*gets a new lease on life*
*misses first payment*
Where are you going?
“Ice fishing”
You know you can just buy ice at the store right?
“No I mean th…”
Or just freeze some water even…
The collective noun for bison is herd, unless they are on tiptoes, in which case they are unherd.
HER: [walks in wearing lingerie] See anything you like?
ME: I don’t think that will fit me.
Physiotherapist: So tell me how you injured yourself?
Me: Rock climbing.
PT:
Me:
PT:
Me: *whispers* taking off my sports bra.