“Siri, what are the side effects of Valium?” I mumbled into the tv remote.
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Day 65: My dog still insists on acting happy to see people despite my example and training
Possibly the finest painting I’ve ever done. My wife says it’s a mantlepiece!
Doctor. When I touch myself here it hurts. And when I touch here it hurts. And when I touch here it hurts. It feels like everything hurts!
Doctor: is your finger broken?
No, I don’t think so….
Dr: In than case you’re just over 35. Take some advil. Good luck.
My kid force-fed me popcorn so I had to act like I hated it, but it was secretly amazing
A girl with kaleidoscope eyes sounds horrifying.
I’m opening a funeral home that has a bar in it. I know right?
I don’t know why we traded horses for cars. Your car won’t stop in front of a river and be like, “no way dumbass, we aren’t going to make that.”
[teaching my dog to shake hands]
NO! Firmer than that. Want them to take you seriously?
I keep the peace. As a hoarder, I keep pretty much everything.
Looking to hire someone who can photo edit my ex out of all of my vacation photos and replace him with a potato
I miss dating
The excitement of meeting someone new, that feeling of butterflies when you see if you can climb out their bathroom window…
A Lunch Poem:
Some people buy theirs in local food shops,
While others eat donuts (especially cops).Some jerks heat fish that they bring in a bag,
And stink up the kitchen, making me gag.Me? I’ll check the fridge on a hunch
That Glenn from Accounting brought a good lunch.
i couldn’t remember the word “counting” so i told my friend to “do the number alphabet.”
girl at the bar: You’re funny
me *brings her over to meet my wife* Tell her what you said
CEO: We will be taking the company photo a fourth time, because it came out blurry AGAIN.
Loch Ness Monster: *sweats, adjusts fake mustache*
Strangers get so paranoid when they catch you stirring a mysterious powder into their drink.
ladies say I’m a hamster in the sheets because I squeal when I’m uncomfortable and I leave small pellets in the bed
Do people who say that they’re just thinking out loud realize that there’s a verb for that already and it’s called ‘speaking’?
Finally watched Pulp Fiction with my kid, but fast forwarded thru the parts she’s not ready for… best 27 seconds we’ve spent together recently.
I was flattered when my crush added her stick figure to my mini van. I can’t wait to hear what my wife thinks…
Don’t you hate it when you accidentally say something dumb in a conversation and then hate yourself for the next 15 years
Lady at the door asked if I’d found Jesus and I was all HOW IS HE MISSING, IT WAS YOUR DAY TO WATCH HIM. I don’t think she’ll be back.
There are 3 certainties in life
-death
-taxes
-anxiety anytime someone asks me what I’ve been up to
Marvel, DC, and the world unite to agree on one SUPERVILLAIN to rule them all….
The Guy Who Determines Snack Food Serving Sizes.
*opens facebook messenger*
*sips mtn dew twice*
*strokes neckbeard*
*begins typing*
Sorry abt ur mom dying
Tis a shame
Btw ur attractive
Left the kids alone in a room with some styrofoam. One just yelled “it’s snowing” and the other started singing jingle bells. What have I done
I lost my tesau…thesor…word book.
Apparently this was on a digital highway sign in Tennessee yesterday 😎
dinosaur: omg a meteor
tyrannosaurus clark kent: *trying really hard to remove his glasses with his stupid little arms*
*seductively eats two tums*