Me: I am a logical and rational fully grown adult.
Also me: I must run as fast as I can up the stairs after I’ve switched the light off at night so no monsters can grab me by the ankles.
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me: how much for the cow bras?
salesperson: those are gloves
me: psst, wanna see a dead body
nurse at my first surgery: no
My daughter once asked me if dinosaurs were around when I was little. She’s still grounded.
Every person you meet is fighting a battle you know nothing about.
Make it worse by asking if they’re drinking enough water.
My Dad turns off his cell phone when he’s home because, “I have a phone at home, why waist the battery?”
Love you Dad
me: *competes in gymnastics*
official: *blows whistle* stop saying “wee”
*At demonstration
*grabs megaphone – stands on car
‘DOES ANYONE HAVE AN iPHONE CHARGER?’
Once I found there was no popcorn in popcorn chicken there was no reason to try pot roast.
I saved a ton of money on tattoos by just pretending my varicose veins are ancient Chinese proverbs
I still remember the day two Nigerian men were arguing on the bus, and they fully agreed to exchange numbers to meet up and fight that weekend cus they were late for work.
LOOOOOOOOOOOOL
“What should we call our matches?”
“I dunno, something normal”
Voldemort: I’ve hidden the first part of my soul in a cup full of poison on an island in a lake full of monsters and its all hidden in a cave
Me: and the last piece?
Voldemort: at a high school in a room everyone hides their junk lmao
LEGAL TIP
Open the calendar app on your phone, scroll back to the 15th of March 44BC and type in, “Stayed at home and watched TV all day today. Definitely didn’t go the the Senate.”
This gives you a plausible alibi in case you’re ever accused of assassinating Julius Caesar 👍
I don’t know what to say to a woman when she is angry, but it’s definitely not, “Whatever, Pippi Wrongstocking.”
Based on the amount of animal hair, clinging to your t-shirt, I’m going to pass on your homemade cookies, thank you.
me: i’m late
boss: again?
me: it’s yours
8yo: Daddy, I wrote a short story called Attack of the Killer Kittens.
me: oh wow ok…
8yo: Mommy is the superhero who makes all the kittens be good instead of evil.
me: nice, what about me?
8yo: you get eaten.
°waldo at the gym° can’t none of y’all spot me
So basically what I’m saying is that Face Off is misleading and the movie should be called Ha Ha Got Your Face FBI Man
God: eat the green apples but NEVER touch the red ones
Adam & Eve: [brand new humans] what is green and red?
God: eh you’ll figure it out
My son washes dishes like he knows there are 12,000 germs but only wants to kill 1.
Millennial: OMG, you don’t even know how to make a gif? That’s so tragic to me right now. Can you at least make a meme?
Me: I own a house.
My sister teaches 1st grade. A boy in her class had a tantrum and screamed “I hate you!” and she gently replied “I know. It doesn’t matter.”
Starting a small business is too hard. I’m just going to start a big business then wait for some of it to fail
detective: when did this happen.
edgar allan poe: while i pondered weak and weary over many a quaint and curious volume of forgotten lore.
detective: [writing notes] pretentious dipshit…was…reading.
Kanye West builds a time machine so he can interrupt himself interrupting Taylor Swift.
I hate it when people don’t behave the way I thought they would when I rehearsed the conversation in my head.
I love the new Weight Watchers program. You can eat anything you want as long as you never join
You know how sometimes you’re really into a song and you don’t know all the lyrics but you keep singing it anyways? That’s my toddler with Twinkle Twinkle Little Star.
one more hotdog left who wants it [jesus speed walks across jeff’s pool]