Looking to hire someone who can photo edit my ex out of all of my vacation photos and replace him with a potato
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[someone stops being my friend]
ah that’s sad they must have died
COP: You seen an escaped evil octopus?
ME: No
COP: [looks up] Nice chandelier
ME: Thanks
COP: Why is it wet?
ME: Um
COP: And holding 8 guns?
Me, at food counter: Those bacon burger sliders look delicious, 3 please .
Her: Sir, those are calves and piglets & this is a petting zoo!
Our guide called the bear tracks I found bike tracks. Laugh it up pal, but if these bears are on bikes we’re all going to die out here.
Succinctly put.
My super power is being able to sing along to Pearl Jam without knowing a single word
Surprised my wife with French fries. She didn’t ask for it, the bag just fell on her when she opened the fridge.
Any sink has a garbage disposal if you push hard enough.
“Doctor, I’m afraid of people yelling letters of the alphabet at me.”
THERAPIST: Oh! You are? WHY???
I congratulated a friend on his new baby on IG & his wife immediately sent me a message asking how I knew him.
I was his Sunday school teacher 25 years ago. Calm down, Brittany.
An obese old man who breaks into your house at night? A tiny flying woman who buys your dead teeth? It’s a wonder children can sleep at all.
*walks into confessional, closes door and sits down*
Me: Alright. Look alive over there, Father, I’ve had a pretty wild week…
*dancing with the stars*
*all of a sudden there’s a fault in our stars*
me(to stars): what the hell guys? we practiced this!
*star wars*
How can we make people tell the truth?
“Lets make them put one hand on a book & the other on their chest. That’ll scare the shit out of em”
I like to throw a fake punch at a hooker’s crotch. If she flinches, I know it’s a dude.
The iPad Air is named after what’s left in your bank account when you buy one.
wife: ugh the baby’s been crying for hours, can you take over?
me: sure *starts crying for hours*
[One hour past bedtime]
[3 year-old yelling from his bed]: PAPA!
Me: YES?
3: [Points to chair] Sit with me.
Me: I would LOVE to but the monster, that eats kids who don’t sleep, hates that chair being warm.
3:
Me [Finger guns] Goodnight kiddo.
You can’t fix stupid but you can fantasize about slapping the shit out of it.
8: you can’t make me go to bed. I know karate now.
Me: you don’t say…
Narrator: Daddy-Fu always beats Karate, even though the moves are mostly tickling.
sent my boyfriend a post-ambien text last night that said “i’m going to sleep, do you want anything?” proving my subconscious is stupid, but kind
I used to think my chiropractor couldn’t fix my back problem but now I stand corrected
Hero horse inspires millions
I’d like you to meet my family, my wife Sharon, my son Carl, and this balloon that follows me around
While we’re on the subject….
*throws your homemade scone out the window and breaks a windshield*
I stood here for an hour then I gave up and went home.
Fred: You and Scooby go investigate. Velma, Daphne, and I will be in the Sex Machine.
Shaggy: The Mystery Machine?
Fred: Um, ya, whatever.
If you want to set up a company and run it then that’s your business.
Going to keep letting animals bite me until I get super powers.
Me: Is your friend coming or what?
16yo son: I don’t know. He’s not answering his texts.
Me: Why don’t you call him?
Son: I don’t know what that is.