Ah to be a little slug on a day like today. The rain is out. No cares in the world. Time for slime.
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A TV should have been called a watch and a watch should have been called a time machine. Fight me.
[first day as librarian]
guy: i’m looking for a book—
me: —YOU SIR ARE IN LUCK
What separates the men from the boys is knowing that women love it when they show off their big throbbing manners and intelligence.
Santa is always broke after Christmas.
That’s why he’s called St. Nickel-Less.
#Christmas #RubbishJokes #AmazingFacts
I’m sorry WHAT sleepwear?
Me: *mouths I love you*
Him:
M: *blows kiss*
H:
M: *adjusts my pajama top*
H: *empties the can & hops onto the side of the garbage truck*
if zombies drank more water their skin would look way healthier than that.
shoutout to my mom who has reused the same Christmas gift bags for so long she just found a gift card to the Cheesecake Factory from 1999.
What they say: “Hey, have you lost weight?”
What they mean: “Hey, I remember you being a lot fatter. What gives?”
*Person in front of me using 73 coupons*
Customers behind me: huffing and puffing
Me: [eyes glued to screen] That one was for $2! Yahhhhss
Walmart is fun because all the workers know nothing except for the one who knows everything and your job is to figure out which one that magic worker is
Wife: Hey can you-
Me: Shhh. I’m in another stupid useless frigging Zoom meeting.
Boss: Okay just a reminder to put yourselves on mute.
Funeral Request:
Spread my ashes on a windy day so I get in everybody’s eyes and mouth lol I don’t even like you guys
is there nothing we can trust anymore
Them: your pets are spoiled
Me: they are competitively compensated for the user experience they provide
“You’re a nice guy”
One time I took a bite of my friends corn dog during lunch in elementary school and blamed it on someone else. So, I beg to differ
HR said that me trying to woo a colleague with a banjo is not what “challenge yourself in the workplace” actually meant.
If I had a time machine, I’d go back and make better mistakes.
Do your friends know that you’re asking people on Twitter about their issues?
-Asking for a friend.
[at the mall with my husband]
Me singing softly: She’s just a girl and she’s on fire..
Hubby: *shoots dirty look*
Me, ignoring: Ohhhh, she’s got her head in the clouds and-
Hubby: Shhh!
Me: THIS GIRL IS ON FIRE!! FIIIYAHHHH
8yo nephew: so how does it feel when you’re drunk?
Me: Oh it’s awful! You get dizzy and your head spins so fast from the slap you might get if you touch my booze.
Safe sex is stupid. Safes can’t get pregnant.
Naked and Afraid,
but it’s just me staring down a spider in the shower.
Neighbor: Hi buddy, how you doing this morning?
My 3 year old: Good. My mom puts heavy things on me at night so I can’t move or get out of bed.
A weighted blanket. We gave him a weighted blanket.
People assume I am stupid because I am nice and smiley and a helper and that’s working out for me so why fight it
Doctor: we saved your dad but he’s part owl now
Son: Dad it’s me
Dad: *head turned 180°* who
Son: very funny
Doctor: yeah he has amnesia too
[murderer hunting me in the forest]
me: *quietly opens velcro wallet*
I’m okay, you?
Yea. Not bad. You?
Yea. Not too bad. Wby?
Yea I’m okay. You okay?
Yes. Not bad. You?
Not too bad. You?
Yes I’m alright. You okay?
Yes ya know. The usual. You okay?
I’m okay thanks. How’re you?
I’m okay thanks. You okay?
I’m okay
Good
Okay
Bye then
Bye
The calories in food given to you by someone else don’t count, right?
God: Basically u just chill.
Cow: Nice.
God: I mean, at first.
Cow: …then?
God: Then people murder u to eat ur insides & wear u as a coat.