I’m at a fancy restaurant so of course I ordered the Patricia melt.
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wife: Why don’t we run through the parking lot?
me [laying on the ground in front of the car that hit me] Because it’s dangerous
Me: I spy with my little eye someone who is guilty.
Murder suspect: Me?
Me: Ahah, so you confess!
Hitler ruined the Charlie Chaplin mustache for everyone.
ROOKIE: Looks like the air bag failed to inflate
COP: Actually it did, the guy is just ugly
ME: C’mon guys I’m still alive here
Superman’s Google searches:
“Strongest hero”
“Strongest hero. Not Hulk”
“Fastest hero”
“Fastest hero. Not Flash”
“Phone booth for sale”
“LEEEEET’S GET READY TO TUUUUUUMBLE!!!”
-wet laundry
I prefer doing arithmetic naked. Means I can count to 21.
I hope the woman who forgot the word “iced” and so asked me for a caramel macchiato “on the rocks” yesterday is doing well
Librarian: Shhh!
Me: Shh!
Librarian: Shh!
Me: Shh!
Librarian: *glares at me*
Me: Look lady, I can do this all day.
I wanted something old and soft to wax my car, so I used Grandma.
What are these silent battles people keep talking about? None of my battles were quiet. I literally screamed the entire time because that’s half the fun.
Sometimes I think the human body is amazing, how it can fight disease, heal from injury, create new life, and other times it let’s me choke on my own spit.
That awkward moment when mom says 3 is the perfect number of kids to have, but you’re her 4th
I want an ice cream sundae so big that it edges into mondae
As a dad it’s your duty to ask “how were the roads?” within fifteen minutes of a visitors arrival
Police say Oscar Pistorius is a flight risk. How? Does he also have a pair of propeller feet?
If you find my upper lip mole sexy, wait till you see the dark spot on my MRI.
If everybody was happy in relationship there wouldn’t be any good music.
*makes New Year’s resolution to drink more water*
*starts adding ice to my wine*
Medusa was the absolute worst when it came to objectifying people.
Five Little Monkeys jumping on the bed
One fell off and bumped his head
Mama sipped wine and said, “told ya.”
Them: Why are you single?
Me: *flashes back to the time I went out with a really tall guy and couldn’t stop laughing because I could see up his nose* It’s a mystery, really.
Irony walks into a bar the same time as a Coincidence. The bartender asks what they want? “Not to be confused with each other.”
I was gonna buy a phone charger at the airport but I didn’t have $7000.
Pho tastes great for a food that sounds like it just gave up.
The grocery store really hates it when you ask to try on the turkeys and shove your fist inside them up to your elbow.
I made my kids some Simba shaped pancakes, but my 2yo wouldn’t eat Simba and she started crying. I felt like a savage telling her to eat simba, so I cut Simba’s ears off, I realized my mistake when I saw the horror in her face, and now everyone is traumatized.
ME: i honestly only had one drink
WIFE: i don’t believe a word you just said
ME: no, i swear *pulls out dictionary* they’re all real
LEGOLAS: You have my bow.
GIMLI: And my ax.
[Everyone looks at me, closely guarding my sandwich]
ME: You can have a SMALL bite.