Suddenly she was on her back, clothes strewn everywhere and her wrists bound to her ankles. She always had trouble hanging out the washing.
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AC changed bail to basil, and now I’m sitting in jail with some lovely herbs.
nurse: *hands me a urine specimen cup* the bathroom’s over there
[later]
nurse: it’s empty
me: oh I didn’t need it, there was a toilet
Maybe the aliens read our tweets and that’s why they probe us anally because they think that’s where our brains are?
Now that Fox News is 18 can we send it to Iraq?
Me: how about if I scrunch down a little more
DMV Photographer: you absolutely cannot have your horse in this picture
Aliens: take us to your leader
Me: ok guys listen- he’s probably going to deport you but there is a small chance he’ll want to marry you
Officer: Can you identify the burglar’s screwdriver from these ten pictures? And his headwear from these ten?
Me: It’s tool eight; Fourth hat.
Officer: We won’t catch him with that attitude, sir.
My toddler is legit angry at me because I wouldn’t let her jump out a second story window today. This is why you need birth control ladies.
Him: Baby imma call you back, im in the middle of a shootout.
Her: Yea w.e, tell that bitch I said she can have you.
It’s not procrastination if I never had any intention of doing it in the first place.
The next COVID variant will be named Optimus Prime, followed by Bumblebee and Rachet.
[sign outside butcher shop: POLISH SAUSAGES – ASK US]
ME: Yes, I’m here about the sausage polishing job?
Starting my own social media site called Chaos Realm which is just a Google doc that anyone can edit
My husband decided to surprise us by coming home a day early from his business trip.
The real surprise was how quickly we made it look like we didn’t just eat, drink & binge-watch every show in his absence.
Spoil any movie by telling ur friend “Ice Cube dies” before they watch it. They’ll be waiting for Ice Cube to appear and die the whole time
What do Norse mythology and chastity belts have in common?
Asgard.
I bet if you walked up to any table at a restaurant and said “Good afternoon folks” they will let you take their order.
British people this week:
“Ooh it’s too hot for me”
“Enjoy it while it lasts!”
mfs take one picture in a suit then start posting quotes about success, just go to the wedding bro
*opens fridge door, looking for friends *
How did you get this number..?
– me to my whole family..
No one has more ailments than a child who was put to bed.
Wife: I want to see some snow.
Me: You might get to see 3 to 4 inches tonight.
Wife: I’d rather see snow.
*At Super Bowl Party*
Hey baby, they’ve got a WHOLE bunch of shrimp here, did you bring the big purse?
I don’t need a sugar daddy. I need a chicken wing daddy.
Nothing scares me more than when my husband answers me and I’m left wondering just how much he’s actually been listening.
romeo and juliet is what happens when you don’t sync your watches before a mission
Nighttime is not for sleeping. It is for eating all the chocolate chips out of trail mix while thinking of every possible outcome for a situation you can’t control.
“Sorry, are you…?”
“Oh… no! No, I’m not, sorry…”
“Ah! That’s ok, haha, thanks, sorry”
“Sorry”Transcript of a Brit asking another Brit if they’re in the queue
If u want to sound smart just make up coding languages. Like “yeah I know DeltaCube, 17v and Amorph,” literally nobody will know theyre fake