People think I’m good at keeping secrets but the truth is I’m just bad at paying attention to what you told me.
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Me: *pets dog*
Dog: Ruff
Me: *pets dog*
Dog: Ruff
Me: *pets dog*
Dog: Dude, I said your hands are ruff; can’t you moisturize?
[before sex]
ME: Did you notice I waxed?
WIFE: I wondered what happened to your eyebrows
the difference between me and humpty dumpty is that his friends looked at him and thought to themselves “we should put him back together”
Don’t just lay there… Move! Bounce! Do something!!
~ me, pleading with my hair
Doctor: How long have you been in pain?
Women: It started at 7:45am on Monday while I was at work
Men: Sometime between yesterday and 1997
I just did 5 crunches trying to get out of my lazy boy. When is it my turn to play aquaman
Highly Misleading Pictures That Will Make You Need To Look Twice At To Understand
I don’t have a favorite vampire. If you ask me, they all suck.
[chopped]
Judge 1: this is disgusting
Judge 2: the chicken is raw
Judge 3: why are there froot loops
[the rat under my hat starts biting me]
He kept asking to see “more” of me but for some reason my colonoscopy results were “too much”
Foh
[showing off my distressed jeans]
jeans: AHHHHHHHHHHH
whenever i wake up before my alarm
Call me hun one more time and I stg I will invade a small European country.
One of the sharpest and earliest skills any woman will learn is how to make a twisty hat out of a towel that can last through hurricane force winds.
Me: what make of dog is that?
Her: breed
Me [hands on knees]: I am, I’m just out of breath cos I ran over to ask what make of dog that is
My first workout back at the gym was great… I did 15 mins of cardio, 10 mins on the defibrillator, and then 3 days in the hospital.
On a scale of 1 to girl who just got back from a semester abroad in Europe, how annoying are you?
I think I’m a genius…. I just solved a rubiks cube so fast!
It only took me 5 minutes and 25 seconds to peel off all the stickers.
it sucks that the 2020 election’s approach of both candidates offering us competing stimulus checks has vanished. please bring that back. please bribe us with money.
My 4yo held up her toy phone and announced she had “an important call to make.”
So I made sure to stay really quiet for a min because, respect.
Then I blasted the TV, begged for snacks, slammed doors & screamed “NOOOO” because, retribution.
[Playing poker]
*Takes my college diploma out of my wallet, unfolds it and slams it on the table
I raise you 125k
“An apple a day takes Billion Dollars away” ~ Samsung
Newlyweds: What is mine is yours and what is yours is mine.
Married 10 years: You’re sitting in the dog’s spot.
Patients get nervous when I walk into surgery wearing my lucky cape but I didn’t go to medical school so I need all the luck I can get.
Popular Mathematics makes math easier to understand! #FallonTonight
[the invention of ping pong]
“I don’t want this tiny ball.”
“Well, neither do I.”
“That makes me very angry.”
“Me too.”
I wonder how many of these NSA agents have a crush on me.
I wish my credit card was like me and had 0% interest.
If you’re not supposed to have sex in an elevator, why are the ceilings mirrored?
Now security is showing me out.