You act like you’ve never seen a grown woman ride a carousel horse without kids.
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My wife trusts me with a joint bank account but when I’m loading the dishwasher she always walks in the kitchen “to get something.”
Waiting in line for a bathroom stall that was empty the entire time is not even the most embarrassing thing I’ve done today
I was first in line
In the theater
Me: Haven’t you ever seen someone stuff their bra before?
Him: Not with tater tots
*pause*
Gimme some.
Just said “No you can’t have an apple because you’ll spoil the pizza that’s being delivered very soon.”
I shouldn’t be allowed to parent.
Sometimes I’ll run into a friend’s husband and think to myself, “bro you have no idea how hard I’ve worked to help save your marriage.”
My kid is really into Animorphs, so I think he is going to love whatever The Human Centipede is.
earthquakes are just the planet’s way of trying to shake us off and I honestly can’t find fault in that
If the sprayer in the sink can’t get it off and the dishwasher can’t get it off then I assume it’s just meant to be a part of the pan.
She’s willing to deal with excruciating physical pain to get an hour alone with 90s hip hop blaring in her ears.
-my husband accurately explaining my running habits to our kids.
You guys, this guy on Dateline says I shouldn’t make friends with people on the internet because they might not be who they say they are. Is this true?
there has never been a better use of this meme
That moment you are trying to figure out if you are Joey, Ross, or Chandler and you realize you’re Gunther.
Biting her lip, she felt herself grow hot when she saw the sheer size of him.
“You’re so big,” she cooed to her student loan debt.
[last supper]
Jesus (to Judas): so your facebook status said you were anxious? Anything u wanted to say
Judas (sweating): no not really
I can still fit into the locker I was shoved into in high school.
An important phone call is something that occurs when there’s no better excuse to ignore someone.
My retirement plan is basically these 10 scratch off lottery games.
* scratches *
Damn.
Ok, 9 scratch off lottery games…..
HER: my dad hates puns but loves food
ME: got it
HER: dad, this my date
ME: hey papaya yam glad to meat u
HIM: *shakes then crushes my hand*
The same people that made fun of me for my calculator watch in high school are now wearing Apple watches.
An Ontario woman completed a 40,000 piece puzzle, one of the largest in the world. And she’s VERY pissed no one told her the pandemic is over.
When you have kids, “sleeping in” is just lying in bed trying to figure out what that crash was.
Stop giving me dirty looks, lady. I wasn’t flirting with your husband. I was looking at his nachos.
me: can i have a raise?
boss: i think the better question is how can we meet your career goals
me: by giving me more money
The first rule of Running Late Club is get stuck behind a Prius.
*jesus walking on water*
Jesus: 12 disciples and not one of you is filming this?!
The media be like here’s what you need to know about protecting your privacy online, subscribe to view article
When someone says “Idaho”, I still respond by saying “Udaho!” and I will never stop.
My acting career began at a very early age, when my mom asked who broke the vase in the hallway.
Ran in the store to get something healthy for breakfast
I got to tell you that this peanut butter, chocolate iced donut is delicious
Me: I signed my son up for an appointment with a child psyhcologist
Doctor: That’s me
Me: but you’re an adult
Doctor: and a child psychologist
Me: how