I like to think I’m smart
Then I miss the chair I just moved into place and end up sitting on the ground
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A missing 3YO was found inside a bowling alley claw game. After many failed attempts to get him out, police just settled on the turtle doll.
Maybe print wouldn’t be dying if they still employed tough dirty children to yell at me to read all about it
I was bored and filled a spherical ice cube mold with milk. When I took it out it was perfect…until I dropped it and it broke in half. Now I’m crying over split milk.
I’m so glad the “you break it, you buy it” policy doesn’t apply to hymens.
The stickier the better.
-Rice, obviously
Watching Thor: Ragnorok and never get tired of hearing Bruce Banner brag about his 7 PhDs like it’s a sign of brilliance and not just poor career planning, dude. Like, maybe do the one PhD and then some postdocs, guy.
Have you ever noticed that Santa brings better gifts to the kids that have rich parents?
He danced with wolves. I’m running with beehives.
been making coffee at home instead of getting starbucks for two months which according to economists should’ve made me a billionaire by now so what is happening
cross bred an apple with a garlic to create a gapple. the only thing that will defend me from the horrid Dr Dracula
Guy about to invent balloons:
I wish there was a CHILDREN’S toy ON a strangulation hazard that could EXPLODE and then become ANOTHER strangulation hazard!!
Assistant: Bro…things ok at home?
Welcome to your 40’s: see that kid dressed up like a cop, he is a cop.
friend: you can kill ants with a magnifying glass
[later at thanksgiving dinner]
aunt: aww what are you doing with that magnifying glass?
me: i’m gonna beat you to death with it
Me: When I walk into the room everyone hisses at me
Therapist: How does that make you feel?
Me: Like filling my house with vipers was less awesome than I’d imagined
Cavemen who roamed the earth were Meander-thals.
Hey Twitter, you get a new comic EARLY
Dispatcher: 911. What’s your emergency?
Me: Help! I’m being held hostage in a downtown office building!
D: By who?
Me: This really angry man! 1460 Maple Avenue. Please hurry! He’s making me DO THINGS!
D: OK. Please stay on the line.
Me: I can’t. My coffee break’s almost over!
I like having multiple children because that way if one doesn’t happen to be screaming there’s always another around to pick up the slack.
Boss: My door is always open
Me: I know and it makes it really hard for me to leave work early
I still to this day think about that tweet where a girl said she walked into her room holding her phone in one hand and a cup of tea in the other and threw the wrong one onto her bed
Are you happy to see me, or is that a banana? Are you covered in bananas? Are you, in fact, a banana tree and incapable of happiness no matter what?
The Maze Runner. #MazeRunner
Why is Twitter so quiet on Sundays?
No way you’re all at church.
To someone this means ‘A new start’. To everyone else, it doesn’t.
“I totally nailed that guy” – Roman soldiers
[Pet Store]
Clerk: Ma’am what can I help you with today?
Me: hi I’d like to buy this line
C: You mean snake?
M: Yes your largest worm please
Let’s name our sandwich shop after smelly trains.
[i get run over by a bus]
MEDIA: flattened idiot has troubled past, has written over 600 pages of sexualized shrek fan fiction
just took the “what’s your social security number?” quiz on facebook